I tell you the truth,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” - Matthew 26:34. Also Luke 22:34. Mark 14:30. John 13:38.

Adyashanti talked about this during his July intensive this year (I have listened to the two first session on CD.)

As so much in the New Testament, it is a beautiful expression of what we are likely to encounter on the path.

I find this for myself in small daily situations, and also in the overall process of recognizing what I am and taking the consequences of it in my daily life.

Mainly, I notice I am caught up in a story. I find what is more true for me. I live from that for a while. Get caught up in the story again even if I know better. Shift into living from what is more true for me. And so on.

John is, as so often, even more to the point:

Then Jesus answered, “Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!” - John 13:38

Of course, for most of us it happens more than three times. But it doesn’t have to.

(The illustration is an Ethiopian painting from the 1600s.)

Over the last few days, and especially last night, I have noticed what seems like a gentle tug of war going on in the body. Maybe a tension between dynamics from a mistaken identity and existence inviting in a release of it. A gentle murmuring tug of war between confusion and clarity.

This is probably something that goes on all the time, for most of us. A tug of war between beliefs in stories and what is more true for us. A tension between what we try to take as true, and what we know is true. A tug of war that goes through all of who we are, including the body and its energies.

And sometimes, like now, it feels like something is working itself out. But those are all interpretations, and it feels better to let it have its life without me needing to know.

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I enjoy listening to Byron Katie because she so clearly comes from Big Mind, and at the same time meets people where they are. In that way, she serves as an interface between Big Mind and confused mind in a beautiful way.

Btw: This is one of the exchanges where she also addresses emotions, in addition to beliefs.

I don’t often use the word ego, and when I do, it is mostly to show that it is not very useful.

Or it could be to differentiate the two meanings of the word: In a western, psychological sense, where we want a healthy and strong ego. Here, it refers to the “operating system” for our human self, that which helps it orient and function in the world, and we want it in as good operating order as possible. And in an eastern philosophical sense, where it just refers to a sense of a separate I and whatever comes along with that.

In the second sense of the word, as a description of a sense of an I with an Other, and whatever goes with it, it sometimes has a sinister tone to it. “The ego” as some evil entity lurking somewhere, with no good intentions. (Which is why I don’t like using the word.)

But really, the ego in that sense is just from innocence, an innocent belief in stories, taking them as real and substantial, and temporarily overlooking what we already are.

And beyond that, the ego is pure love. A love for this human self and whatever is within its circle of care and compassion. It is pure kindness, pure compassion behind it. No matter how it may look on the surface.

Ego, in both meanings of the word, is pure innocence, pure love.

And, in the second sense of the word, pure - temporary - confusion.

Exploring confusion…

I shouldn’t be confused.

Reversals:

• I should be confused.
  • It helps me pause when there is insufficient or conflicting info/impulses.
  • In some situations, it spurs me to seek more or different info.
  • In other situations, it helps me shift into not-knowing, and be OK with that.
  • It is a pointer for when I cling to hard to clarity. (If I identify with clarity, confusion comes up as Other, as a disturbance.)
  • It invites me to stay open and receptive to the situation, to additional information, to new views and insights, to something surprising.
• Confusion should be me.
  • Yes. Instead of identifying with clarity or wanting clarity, and see confusion as a disturbance, as Other, I can get to know confusion more. I can find myself as confusion, shift into confusion, explore the world from the view of confusion, see what it can contribute to the life of this human self, and what it asks of this human self. I can allow my identity to flow in ways that include confusion, in a more wholehearted way.
• Confusion shouldn’t be me.
  In two ways. First, when I disown it. Then, as part of a wider terrain that I can find fluidity within.
  • My identity is sometimes rigidly attached to clarity, so confusion appears as not-me. When that happens, it is OK. It is what the dynamics lead up to right now. It is just another experience, another part of the terrain. In that sense, I should see confusion as not-me, because that is what is happening. It also helps me discover what happens when something is disowned, and the shift into including it.
  • My identity shouldn’t be rigidly attached to confusion (or clarity). I should allow for more of a flow between them. Knowing both, being familiar with both, yet also not limit myself to either.

What are some of the gifts of confusion…?

(That question came up in a conversation today with a friend, who tends to get contracted when she is confused.)

This is a somewhat confused and exploratory post, so more after the jump.

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