I spent an interesting night at the ER with kidney stones on the move. (Not out yet.)

And what comes up the most is gratitude… for modern medicine, hospitals, friendly and skilled staff, and being able to get there in just a few minutes from where I live. Very appropriate, since yesterday was Thanksgiving and I had explored what I have to be thankful for. 

I also noticed, and find an easy gratitude for, the pressure valves of pain… When it gets too intensive, the experience of it shifts. It becomes something else. And there are also the temporary and very welcome distractions through movement and sounds. 

And then finding myself with one foot in the world of what I am, and one foot in who I am. It all happened within clarity and a quiet joy. A clarity inherent in what is, independent of its content. A quiet joy inherent in any experience, independent of its content. And then the human self doing its thing, in excellent fashion, including twisting, grunting and moaning in pain. (And discovering that the child’s pose helps alleviate the pain, as does a hot water bottle on the painful area.)

I also got to notice what thought does with this. Coming home, I looked up kidney stones online (Wikipedia, Mayo Clinic, etc.) and realized that I do not fit the profile at all for having kidney stones. I drink lots of water daily. I use my body. There is no history of it in my near family. I have a low protein diet. I do not drink coke or other soft drinks. I am younger than what is typical. 

Up until reading this, I was fine with having kidney stones. It was just another adventure. But after reading it, the thought came up that I shouldn’t have them! Why me? I am doing everything “right” so why did I still get them? 

And then seeing the silliness of it, and a release. Kidney stones are guests, as anything else. Temporary. Inviting me to just experience, and also notice what is happening. 

Finally, the slight hesitation or apprehension coming up. The stone or stones are not out yet, so it is quite possible that I will experience that pain again as they move through or want to move through. And then appreciation for that too, because it is just the human self taking care of itself. It experienced something unpleasant, it may return, so it naturally is apprehensive. And that has a function. In this case, it helps me take the pain medication even if I currently don’t experience much pain.

I mentioned exploring the overlay of images on top of immediate perception.

An overlay of images, and thoughts mimicking the other sense fields, on top of perception. Interpreting it. Asking questions about. And essential for our human self to function in the world.

It can be quite interesting - and helpful - to explore this overlay. First, through dedicated sessions. Then, as it happens in daily life.

Some of the things I find so far…

My world is made up of these images. If I recognize them as images, they become a guideline for actions. If I take them as real and substantial, I act as if they are real and substantial. I act as if what they tell me about the world is true. (As if innocent questions are statements, and these statements are true.)

Any drama happens among these images. More specifically, between the images making up a sense of “I” and other images it relates to. And it happens to the extent that these images, and the relationships among them (interpreted and represented by more images), are taken as substantial and real.

Many practices work on healing these images, such as prayer, tong len, the first ngöndro practice (visualizing all beings taking refuge in the Buddha), well wishing, and so on. And as these images heal, my world changes. Or rather, the world and atmosphere this human self functions within changes. (Easily coexisting with the more conventional and consensus reality images, still used as practical guidelines in the world.)

The mental field overlay, and all of the sense fields, are awakeness itself. They are empty. Awake. Form. One appearing in each of those ways, depending on how the mental field filters it.

(more…)

Spiritual teacher Adyashanti describes how in the development of human consciousness, there comes a shift from a sense of a separate self toward the experience of unity. He points out that the fear of losing our individual identity keeps us from making this shift, and by confronting our fear we come into love. Adyashanti also suggests that reaching a point of crisis can allow an opportunity for consciousness to shift, individually and collectively.

Any teaching is an explicit pointer for inquiry. Is it true? What do I find when I explore it for myself?

And any thought - independent of source or content - is really a question. Is it true? What happens if I use it as a temporary guideline for action? Is there another that seems more appropriate in this situation? When is this particular thought helpful as a guideline? If I can’t find anything else, maybe it can help loosen identification with its reversal?

So even a simple summary of a teaching - such as the one above - can be very helpful. (Here is the video it refers to.)

(more…)

If many of the topics here seem simple, universal and life 101, it is because they are…! It is when I explore them for myself that they become juicy, sometimes reveal a great deal of detail, and can invite in some quite noticeable shifts.

Thought may say some variation of that is obvious: It is too general and universal. It makes you look naive. There is too much repetition here. Why not explore something that is more interesting at a thought level?

But I still keep coming back to it, for what is revealed when it is explored with some sincerity and receptivity.

As a thought itself, what I write here has little or no value. But as a pointer for exploration of what is alive here now, it is quite different.

And that is how it is with any thought, whether it (appears to) come from myself or someone else, and independent of its content.

As a thought itself, it is just a thought. As a belief - something to take as true or reject as false - it creates stress. As a question - explored with some sincerity and receptivity - it may have a great deal of value.

Slideshow of photos taken recently and going back a few years.

Another exploration I find interesting right now…

Notice a belief. A story that seems true. A fixed position. An emotional attachment.

What is the experience of that belief?

Where do I find it in the body? What are the sensations?

Quietly meet those sensations. Welcome them as they are. Allow them to be here, with a friendly interest and curiosity.

Is there a fear behind the belief or emotional attachment?

If so, quietly meet that fear. Welcome it as it is. Allow it to be here with a gentle interest and curiosity.

What happens to the impulse to create a belief or go into an emotional attachment? Does it stay? Fade? Fall Away? Whatever happens is OK. Just notice and stay with that too.

(more…)

I am enjoying a simple exploration these days…

Notice a sense of a doer - in whatever form it takes here now. (Observer, thinker, chooser, explorer.)

Where is it in the body? What are the sensations?

Quietly meet the sensations. Welcome them as they are. Stay with it. Explore with a gentle curiosity. Friendly interest. An appreciation for these dynamics as they are, and the mystery behind it. The beauty of it.

Notice if it shifts. Then stay with that.

(more…)

A couple of weeks ago, I set the intention for whatever has not been seen/felt/loved yet to surface. (Knots, beliefs, emotional attachments.) Whenever I do so, I get a few weeks of amazing intensity - usually involved many nights with hardly any sleep.

It is good. And I also see the intelligence inherent in the process. It backs off a little when daily life requires my attention, and turns up the volume when space opens up - mostly at night! And if I ask for the volume to be turned down for a few days, that happens as well.

It is a beautiful process, although certainly not always pleasant. Even in the midst of recognizing all as awakeness itself, as the play of the infinite, there is a great deal of intensity and sometimes contraction. As always, to the extent it is resisted - and that happens at times, it is uncomfortable.

(more…)

Another energy drawing. Showing the luminous black below and the clear colorful luminosity above.

They make it difficult for me.

(more…)

I got the inspiration to make some energy doodles last week. As usual, I don’t assume they reflect anything you would actually find in the energy system. (Although it could happen). Mostly, I take them as projections telling me something about where I am right now. (Even if they did reflect something actually going on energetically, they would still be important and useful as projections.)

What I mostly see in these is an emphasis on the luminous dark below the body. A velvety luminous blackness, seen through and in everything, centered in the body in the belly, inviting in a healing at the emotional level and a felt sense of all as God.

(more…)

Here is a snapshot of my experience these days…

(more…)

I am taking a body-symptom class with Arny Mindell, and had an interesting shift during our exercise period yesterday.

Here are some of the main points… (If you are not familiar with vector work, that part of it may not make much sense.)

(more…)

Ken Wilber mentioned this somewhere, and I am sure others do as well: The value of states in an awakening context is that we - eventually - find ourselves as that which these states happen within and as.

Content of awareness comes and goes. Clarity and confusion. Samadhi and scattered attention. Kensho and a sense of a separate I. Bliss and dullness. Allowing experience and getting caught up in the drama of it.

Yet through it all, something does not change. All of this happens within and as what we are, as awakeness itself.

And eventually, after having cycled through all of this often enough, that becomes more and more obvious. Whatever happens is awakeness itself. It is the play of awakeness itself. And it doesn’t matter what the content of that play is, in this context.

(more…)

Doing The Work is a pleasure in many different ways, including the simplicity in how life itself shows me which stories to work on. I notice stress, identify the story behind it, and inquire into it to find what is more true for me than the initial belief.

After a while, many of the low hanging fruits have been harvested and the remaining ones may be more hidden from view. So what to do? Exploring underlying beliefs can be very helpful here. Taking a surface belief, and then find underlying beliefs by asking why?, what is not OK about that?, where does my mind go?, what do I fear would happen if I didn’t have that belief?, and so on.

Also, I have found that imagining the beliefs of others, and then taking them on as my own for the sake of inquiry, can be very helpful. After all, I am the one imagining the beliefs of others, and those stories - that I see over there - are really my own. And after exploring the dynamics around those beliefs, I see more clearly how I hold the same ones in my own life.

They may have looked quite different on the surface, but very similar when investigated.

As a bonus, there is often a new understanding of where the other person may be coming from, a sense of being in the same boat, and also of a sense of kindness towards the other person and myself.

Over the last few days, and especially last night, I have noticed what seems like a gentle tug of war going on in the body. Maybe a tension between dynamics from a mistaken identity and existence inviting in a release of it. A gentle murmuring tug of war between confusion and clarity.

This is probably something that goes on all the time, for most of us. A tug of war between beliefs in stories and what is more true for us. A tension between what we try to take as true, and what we know is true. A tug of war that goes through all of who we are, including the body and its energies.

And sometimes, like now, it feels like something is working itself out. But those are all interpretations, and it feels better to let it have its life without me needing to know.

(more…)

Since this blog is a record of a process, I thought I would mention this too: For a few months this spring, just about every dream I remembered had people dying in them. Over the course of these dreams, it seems that everyone who has ever been close to me died at least once, including myself (!), and a large number of people I didn’t know died too. Usually one or a few in each dream.

It was a slow, steady and comprehensive trickle of death, and may mirror a die-off in terms of habitual identifications. (It may be a part of the kenosis process - a wearing off of identifications - which seems to have been happening for a while now.)

The journal is still on vacation, apart from possibly finishing a couple of draft posts. My sense is that something needs to shift (not necessarily anything major), so it seems right to go in “neutral” for a while. There is still a great number of posts here to look through, if you find it of value.

Update: There will be some occasional posts from now on, although less frequent than before.

I have enjoyed exploring sense fields for a little while now, and appreciate how simple and practical it is. A great tool for exploring some of the basics such as what arises in each sense field, how thoughts and the other sense fields combine to create appearances, and the dynamics that makes these appearances seem very real and substantial.

As always, what I write here are questions rather than statements, even if the question marks may be missing.

(more…)

I took a Personal DNA test, and thought it came out pretty accurately.What it is good for, I don’t quite know, but it is at least entertaining. The use of it may be take my strengths and weaknesses into consideration when I make decisions, and also bring some additional attention to the weak areas. The drawback is of course that it can reinforce identification with a particular self-image, which leaves a great deal out.

This also reminded me of why I often find it difficult to take these tests.

They ask about how I behave generally, but it varies a great deal with the situation. They ask me to make an either/or choice between two characteristics that for me are more both/and. They ask me if I ever do something socially undesirable that everyone do, and I say “yes” because it happens now and then, but maybe not always that much. (Maybe that is why I rated high on openness.) Are they testing if I am willing to admit to do something socially undesirable that everyone does, or whether I do it a lot or infrequently? They ask me if I can tell what people feel even if they don’t tell me, and I pull the slider down to “no” because - even if others would say I usually have a pretty good sense of what is going for them - I don’t like to make those type of assumptions. (Which is probably why I didn’t rate so high on empathy.)

[My personalDNA Report]

If we are used to take ourselves as content of experience, and this content does not show up as we are used to, what then?

I don’t do recreational drugs, or even much alcohol, so I don’t know how it is when content gets weird in that way.

But I do get sick occasionally, as right now, and fewer can easily make the content of experience different from what I am used to, especially during the night when the anchors of the routines of daily life, and ordinary sense experiences, are not there in the same way.

(more…)

I have caught one of the popular germs going around these days, so have had an opportunity to explore how to work with the symptoms. (In this case of bronchitis.)

My main exploration has been in finding the strongest symptoms (headache, chest pain, fuzzy/muddled mind, fatigue, persistent cough), explore it in the sensation field, and notice what it is made of. Is it solid? Awareness itself? Nothing taking the form of something?

(more…)

I know there are lots of guidelines and maps about stability practice out there, based on the cumulative experience of thousands (millions?) of practitioners, and I am neither very familiar with it or very experienced on my own. As with everything else here, this is just a snapshot of what is alive for me right now, and each statement if followed by a question mark even if it doesn’t show up on the screen.

It seems that many practices are, most of the time, approximate. It is approximate shikantaza, approximate allowing experience, and also approximate stability practice, an approximately stable attention on something.

Here are some of the things I notice which makes my stability practice only approximate. In this case, using the sensation of the breath at the nostrils as the object of attention, with or without counting.

• If I count my breaths, I notice that attention is often split between the sensations of the breath at the nostrils, and the number thoguht. Attention also tends to shift between the two, with one in the foreground, then the other.
• If I have my eyes partly open, even with a soft gaze, I notice attention being split between the sensations of the breath at the nostrils, and the focus of the visual field. (It may be subtle, but still a noticeable split.) This happens whether I count, in which case attention is split four ways (imagined bulls eye as guide for attention, thought of a number and through of sequence of numbers, focal point of visual field, and sensations at the nostrils), or not.
• When I bring attention to the sensations of the breath at the nostrils, I use a visual thought - almost an imagined bulls eye - as a guide for attention. So attention is split between these two as well, with one in the foreground then the other. Even without counting, and with eyes closed, attention is split between these two.
• Sensations themselves flicker inn and out of existence. When they flicker out of existence, the imagined bulls eye remains so attention shifts there. When they flicker into existence, attention shifts back to the sensation. (This rapid flickering happens during inhalation and exhalation, and the sensations also fade in and out of existence during the in/outbreath and the pause in between.)
• Any belief tends to catch attention, in obvious or more subtle ways, either by attention going on the inside of a thought and following it, or by just a flicker of interest when the thought arises. (Belief here means identification with a story, any story.)
• These flickers of interest also happens with non-discursive thoughts, such as image thoughts overlaid on the sense fields. (Imagining what the sounds are, where the sensation is located in the body, and so on.)

So this is one way stability practice, in itself, invites in insights.

Through stability practice, we gain insight into some of the dynamics around a stable, or in this case not so stable, attention.

We may notice the sense of clarity that often comes as a side effect of a more stable attention.

We may notice the sense of energy that comes with it, and other side effects such as a sense of luminosity (even visually) and so on.

We discover how it is much easier to observe and notice what is going on when we can place attention more stably on something alive here now. A more stable attention helps insight directly.

We may notice how thoughts, as anything else, lives its own life, coming and going on their own schedule.

We may notice the difference between attention seeing a thought as a thought, and getting absorbed on the inside of a story. In the first case, allowing it to come and go as a simple thought. In the second case, fueling and elaborating it into a more complex story, and often getting lost in it.

We may notice how attention is more easily drawn to stories we identify with. Stories that seem true, real, important. Stories that define who we, temporarily, take ourselves to be.

We may notice how the activities of thoughts naturally quiet down when attention rests stably on the breath, or something else.

We may notice how the effects of the different layers of thoughts fall away when identification is released out of them. When identification goes out of discursive thought, drama falls away and there is a sense of quiet presence. When identification is released out of more basic layers of thought, such as those creating a sense of extent and continuity, this falls away, and whatever happens in the different sense fields happens without being mapped onto space or time. When identification goes out of a sense of I with an Other, this field of awakeness and its content is revealed as inherently free of an I with an Other, inside and outside, center and periphery.

(The discursive layer is needed for daily functioning, but only to a limited extent, and when identification goes out of it, drama goes out as well. The layer creating a sense of extent and continuity is obviously needed for daily functioning, but it can be interesting and helpful to explore during sitting practice. And the final layer, of a sense of a separate I, is not needed for the functioning of our human self.)

We notice the ephemeral nature of sensations, rapidly flickering in and out of existence, and the ephemeral nature of any sense field.

We may notice sensations, and any sense field, as awakeness itself.

We may notice how the content of each sense field comes and goes, but something does not come and go. What is it that does not come and go? Am I the content of the fields, or that which does not come and go? Are they really separate?

And this is just scratching the surface. Something as simple as stability practice is fertile ground for exploration, going right back to the core of what we really are.

For a few years in my life, there was what I came to call “instant karma”. I would go into judgment about someone, fueling a sense of being right and a separate I, and then, days, hours or often minutes later, I would find myself in the same position as the one I had judged, sometimes in a quite literal way. It was a great way of learning, and very humbling.

It is always true that I am what I see in others, but it is not always so easy to notice. It may happen in a quite different form and area of life. So when it happens in a more literal way, it is harder to overlook. (That more literal form can be experienced as another flavor of synchronicity.)

Over the last year or so, I have had some stories going about people making noise during sitting practice, especially since I am used to the relative quietness of the Zen zendo, and have been going to more adveita type groups who tend to be less strict in their meditation instructions. (In Zen, sitting still and not making a sound is a pretty standard guideline, and the monitor will often remind folks if they don’t follow it, sometimes by a loud shout.)

So yesterday, when I finally did a mini sesshin (Zen retreat), I found myself as the by far most noisy one. I have brewed on a germ for several days, and the main symptom is a persistent and unstoppable dry cough. I coughed and swallowed incessantly, and on top of it all had a very growly stomach at times. (The swallowing and talkative stomach from sucking on Fisherman’s Friends to alleviate the couching.)

I found myself in the exact role I had judged others for being in, and was helpless in changing it. All I could do was to find some peace with it, and allow it to work on me. To wear down old habits, soften me, to wear down and expand my identity as someone who is quiet and follows strict zendo guidelines. To feel it, take it in.

It also helped me take another look at noisy folks in the zendo. For seasoned practitioners, it either doesn’t matter or is actually a benefit. Any sound just become part of what is happening, and I also find that sharp sounds, such as a cough, helps me stay alert and awake. And if it is annoying, that too becomes part of the practice. It is just part of what is arising.

Or we can take a closer look at it. What happens when there is an experience of being annoyed? What happens if I resist the experience, try to push it away? What happens if I fully allow it, as it is? And what is annoyance? Where do I find it? Do I find it outside of a sensation and a story about that sensation? If annoyance is part of the content of experience, coming and going as any other content of experience, what it is that does not come and go? And what am I?

But for beginners, it may be different. For them, it may just be distracting.

When I work on beliefs through inquiry, significant shifts sometimes happen during or in the days or weeks or months following the inquiry, or set of inquiries. The shift in views usually happen right away, and sometimes are filled in as times goes by. And they are also sometimes in the felt sense. It is as if the body gets it, knows it, feels it.

One of my topics for inquiry has been a retaining wall project, which in a conventional sense has been a big mistake. We received bad advice up front, started on a very time consuming and expensive project, and now have to redo it and go back to a much simpler solution. (Which is what we wanted initially anyway.) So it seems like a big mistake, and one that was costly in terms of time and money. It is a mistake, in a conventional sense.

But it also helped me see, feel and love how mistakes are part of any process. They are not something that happens that shouldn’t have, or somehow is extraneous to the process. They are intrinsic to and embedded in the process. In this case, they are what needed to happen for the simpler wall to be built. I don’t only see it, as I did earlier, but there is a shift in my body sense of it, how it is felt in the body. The truth of it is now, also, in the body.

For many of these insights, seeing it doesn’t take much. It is often just part of conventional wisdom. But it is something entirely different to genuinely love and feel it, be at peace with it, and even enjoy and appreciate it.

From being stressed out about it, losing some sleep over it at times, and seeing it as a problem, I now see it as a support. It is not only intrinsic to this process of building the simpler wall that we need and want, but it has helped me to feel how mistakes are intrinsic to any process. They are what needs to happen for something to get accomplished, and sometimes not accomplished.

Anything I experience attraction or aversion towards is a guide to something in me I am only seeing out there, aka a projection, aka something that will give me a fuller sense of who I am if I notice that it is already right here, in this life.

When I am out doing things with friends, I sometimes like to ask what did you enjoy the most today?

It is not just a conversation starter, or something to help bring attention to something we can be grateful for. It is also a nudge to notice what we find juicy, where the spark is for us right now. And then to follow that, bring it more into our lives, notice how it already is in our lives.

It is a way to notice more of the wholeness of who we are, through something flirting with us at the edge of who we see ourselves to be.

(more…)

I am reading in a couple of books by Tim Freke and Peter Gandy on gnostic Christianity, where the basic message is that the Jesus story is a teaching story, a reflection of our own path, a reflection of who and what we really are.

On the bus this afternoon, as I was exploring this for myself, a woman in front of me turned around and asked with great sincerity are you Jesus?

I laughed and said “no” with the message that the conversation was over right there, although she continued with a few questions.

Of course, according to gnostic Christianity, I am Jesus. We all are. The Jesus story mirrors each one of us.

What happened is also another example of living the dream. In this case, the dream of having people showing up at my door expecting me to be able to help them, and me just brushing them off and wanting them to go away.

In the case of the woman on the bus, I could have mentioned that whatever you see in Jesus are qualities you can find in yourself. It would be true, and maybe invited her to explore it for herself. In any case, it would be more friendly than a simple “no” followed by nothing.

I am living that dream in other situations too. What happened on the bus is far from the only time a stranger comes up to me expecting me to have some special insights, and I tend to respond the same way as in the dream, brushing them off.

The practice emerging for me now is noticing content of awareness as awareness itself.

It can be done formally, through for instance exploring the sense fields, and also informally, throughout the day.

When I explore the sense fields, I select one, notice what arises there, and find a curiosity about what it is made of. Is it awakeness itself? Anything else? After doing this for a while, I explore the gestalts the same way, the gestalts formed by a thought combining with the other sense fields to create the appearance of an emotion, sleepiness, a sense of a separate I, or anything else.

In daily life, I usually bring attention to what appear most real, dense and substantial, and in the same way ask myself what is it made of? Awakeness? Anything else?

It is interesting how even a sense of a separate I can be noticed as awakeness itself in this way. It is there, yet recognized in immediate awareness as nothing other than awakeness itself.

Our best friends are often the ones who contradict our stories, the stories we are familiar with, used to, and sometimes attached to or identified with. It invites us to find the truth in all the reversals, harvest practical insights from each, release identification with any one, and even taste the inherent neutrality of the situation.

Instead of being identified with our familiar stories, needing to defend them as true and against the truth in their reversals, they now become tools of practical value. Instead of missing out of the truth in the reversals, I can harvest nutrients from these truths. The ones I didn’t see earlier because I was too busy attaching to, building up, maintaining and defending my familiar stories.

So when I read “I am usually not a fan of MoE” I thought it would be a great opportunity to explore how this is true for me. In what ways am I not a fan of MoE (this blog)? And in what ways is he not a fan of MoE? And others?

There is gold in each story that come out of those questions.

And as anything else here, it is more universal than just what I can get out of it. Anyone can explore this for themselves, and find their own gold.

A quick way of finding good stories to work with is to ask what am I most ashamed of? What am I most afraid to hear? What am I afraid someone will tell me? Which stories, about me or anything else, do I feel I need to defend against?

I don’t know, yet, what Tom doesn’t like about this blog. But whatever it is, chances are I have thought the same myself. And not knowing specifically what he doesn’t like gives me a good opportunity to project onto him what these stories may be, so I can see my own stories about myself.

(And these stories are not just about me. They are stories everything is filtered through. My wife. My parents. My friends. My teachers. Anyone I hear about or meet. Life itself. The universe. God. Whatever happens gets filtered through these same stories.)

Before I go into my own stories about MoE, what stories do you have about MoE? Don’t hold back if you share them with me (which would be great), I have probably thought it myself. Probably more often than you have

Feel free to post a comment with any stories about how it would be better if MoE… Or the way you complain about MoE in your own mind. Any advice that comes up. Or when you are not a fan of MoE.

You can then take these stories to inquiry, and see what is, already, more true for you than these stories. Or rather, in addition to these stories, because our familiar ones have truths as well.

(more…)

As we get familiar with working with hangups in different ways, there is naturally an excitement when one shows up, especially when it is strong and juicy.

There is an excitement because we know ways to work with it, and we know there is gold in in it - in the content of the hangup and in exploring the dynamics around it.

Even if none of our old ways of working with it work anymore, as usually happens at some point, there is gold there too. We get to see our beliefs around it, such as I know, I want it to go away, I want to find gold within it, and so on.

Since none of our ways of working with it work anymore, and that is the whole point, we just have to allow these to wear off over time. Working with it is the intro class, and this is the intermediate one.

(more…)