The head and heart centers in the Big Mind process

The Big Mind process is in a way a simulation of an awakening of the head and heart centers. We get to taste, to dip our toes into, how Spirit reveals itself through the head center (Big Mind) and the heart center (Big Heart). We get to taste how it is to see and love all as Spirit.

The belly center in the Big Mind process

In the process, there is the inevitable taste of feeling all as Spirit as well, of Spirit filtered through the belly center, although this one is almost an accidental side-effect.

To amplify this taste of Spirit filtered through the belly center, we can allow the human self to feel how it is to see and love all as Spirit, to feel into it, sink into it, marinade within it, allowing the body and emotions to reorganize within this context of all as Spirit.

How does it feel in this human self, in the body, when all is seen and loved as Spirit?

How does the body change? Does it relax? Soften? Does it melt away rigidity?

How do the emotions change? Do they relax? Soften? Go from reactive and fearful to giving a sense of nurturing fullness?

Big Mind, Big Heart, and Big Belly

In addition to Big Mind and Big Heart, there is now also Big Belly (!) It is the feeling, the sensed feeling, of all as Spirit. Of all of Existence as a Big Belly, soft, warm, nurturing. A cosmic womb, dark and fertile, allowing the body and the emotions of this human self to reorganize within all as Spirit.

Dipping the toes, diving into, and deepening within

The Big Mind process itself, of course, only gives us a taste of Spirit filtered through these three centers. We are just dipping our toes in the waters.

And becoming familiar with it in this way, simulating an awakening of these three centers, and allowing our view, heart and feelings to begin to reorganize within this new context, sets the stage for a larger shift, for a more full-bodied diving into the water, and then for deepening within it.

Since the dream last night, the small spheres of blue light seem very tangible, placed in each vertebrae close to the spinal cord. It is like a cool quiet awakening happening there, an awakening of the intelligence of the vertebrae as the guide in the dream told me. A quiet cool intelligence coming alive, at 24 (or so) different points along the spine. (And the quality of the brilliant cool blue intelligent light is really quite similar to the cool blue of the stars in the Pleiades.)

A spiritual guide, in the form of a young man, tells me that this is an awakening of the vertebrae intelligence, not the usual awakening of the spine intelligence. A bright cool blue light is placed, or awakened, in each vertebrae, by the spinal cord. I see swirling light around the whole spine, and especially in the hara and solar plexus area. It has blue and light green colors, mixed in with golden, red and the other colors of the rainbow.

This dream happened after I spent some time before falling asleep connecting with the alive infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive luminosity. (It seems to be most present in the heart region right now.)

Earlier last night, I realized that this must be the Antaryamin, the indwelling God, Bhagavan mentions.

The young man in the dream is a guide, an awakened one, and reminds me of the young Buddha Sakyamuni or Bhagavan’s senior male dasa. He is a more mature version of the person who, in a previous dream, helped me climb up the final few feet up a tall building He was very clear that this awakening of the intelligence of each vertebrae is more specific than the awakening of the general spine intelligence.

The small sphere of brilliant, cool blue light placed, or awakened, in each vertebrae, by the spinal cord, has the same quality as the brilliant blue of another dream, and it has come up in waking life through photos of the Pleiades showing up in different contexts (for instance a few days ago when some friends of ours showed us a photo of the Pleiades they have hanging in their bedroom).

After dropping into the fertile darkness (belly awakening) and then the alive luminosity, there is now a luminous blackness which shares characteristics with both of those.

It is experienced as luminous and infinitely alive, loving, intelligent, receptive and responsive, and in that sense intimately personal. And it also has the universality of the fertile blackness, the ground of all form, the womb of the cosmos.

The last few days, there is a sense of a doubleness, of being two at once. Of being the familiar personality, and the luminous blackness.

(In Hameed Ali’s terminology, this fertile blackness is one aspect of essence or presence, and I tend to think of it as soul. It is individual and in that sense personal, but also universal in its characteristics. And when we drop into it, it becomes a guidance for our unfolding as soul and human being, and also a guide towards realizing selflessness. For as with our human self, there is no I in essence either. It is another aspect of the field of awake emptiness and form, inherently absent of I anywhere.)

What is interesting is how tangible the experience of doubleness is. I find myself surprised by it throughout the day: there is this personality, and then the alive essence, both there, occupying the same space, as twins although with quite different characteristics. The personality is made up by identities and habits, formed by family, culture and personal experiences. The essence is something entirely different, and infinitely loving, intelligent and receptive.

I see how attention goes to one or the other, and sometimes both (which is when I am taken by surprise by the doubleness of it). Sometimes, there is being caught up in the personality, riding the familiar patterns of this personality. Other times, there is the surrendering to essence of anything coming up, allowing it to be composted there, becoming fertile soil for something else to emerge.

I am shown the feminine face of God, as a continuous stream of always something completely new and unexpected. Always doing something beyond what is familiar. Always completely beyond anything that can be grasped by any knowing or expectation.

It shows its nature of cycles, from infinite to finite, light to dark, familiar to unfamiliar.

It goes to infinity, blowing away any identifications. It is the finite in an always entirely new way. It shows itself as an infinity and richness of flavors, textures, dimensions, realms of being.

It is always and continuously entirely new, different, beyond anything known, anything intuited, any identities, anything familiar. It is a wild ride, completely impossible to keep up with in terms of being able to figure out or predict. Any attempt to hold onto anything familiar is exhausted. There is only the surrender to the always new faces of God, the continuous stream of new realms, textures, flavors, unfoldings.

The stream is so continuous, and always so completely unexpected, that there was is choice but to surrender to it. This is the feminine aspect of God, the world of forms, infinite finiteness (!) It is the Self-Realization aspect of awakening, which is infinite, without end, always unfolding in always new and surprising ways. It is the yin awakening, the dance of the infinite fertility of God. It is the perfect and most intimate complement to the yang awakening, of realized selflessness.

It is the always deepening embodiment of realized selflessness, allowing for a more complete abandon to the newness of God, the always utterly surprising unfolding of the infinite fertility of God.

In Ken Wilber’s terminology, it is vertical awakening, the continued development of this human self and essence/soul, as an aspect of the continued evolution of the world of form as a whole. It is the complement to horizontal awakening, to the field of awake emptiness and form awakening to itself, to realized selflessness.

And this realized selflessness is exactly what allows for a deepening into the wild ride of the world of form, always fresh, utterly unexpected, always surprising to itself.

It is what allows God to continuously surprise and be astonished by itself.

I also see how appropriate it was for this dream to come on what we celebrate as the birthday of Jesus who embodied God awakening to itself in such as deep way, and also knew that this deepening would not end with him. (You will do far greater things than I. John 14:12)

I can’t remember if I have mentioned it here, but I have noticed for some time the relationship between energetic holes, physical problems, psychological tendencies, and now also the three soul centers.

For me, the main one is in the hara.

Since the initial awakening in my teens, I have been aware of an energetic hole in my navel area, specifically located at and near my spine. At the same area, I had a noticeable physical deformity as well, an odd stacking of the vertebrae diagnosed as scoliosis.

At the time, I did a lot of Tai Chi and Chi Gong, both because I wanted more grounding and embodiment, and also to fill up this region.

A couple of years ago, I found Breema which also specifically works with the Hara region, and I have experienced a great deal of fullness, warmth and nurturing in the belly from Breema. Slowly over these couple of years, the energetic hole has filled up, and the spine has reorganized so there is only a slight stacking oddity now (helped along with massage in that area).

With the more recent belly awakening, the endarkenment, there is a sense of a deep luminous velvety blackness and also a new level of nurturing, and a new feeling of everything as Spirit.

This feeling of everything as Spirit, and the reorganizing of the emotional level within the context of all as Spirit, was exactly what was missing in the initial awakening. The head and heart centers were awakened, but not (yet) the belly one. So although I saw, and even loved, all as Spirit, I didn’t feel all as Spirit. The emotions lived their own life, and there was a good deal of turmoil there, partly as a consequence of the intensity of the awakening and its implications.

So there was an energetic hole in the hara region, a physical deformity in the spine at the level just below the navel, and a lack of grounding and emotional turmoil.

This energetic hole then gradually filled in, the physical deformity reduced greatly, and then there was a sudden shift into endarkenment, an early belly awakening into feeling all as Spirit, allowing the emotions to reorganize to all as Spirit, and a new sense of deep nurturing and being held by the velvety luminous blackness.

It is also interesting to note that Hameed Ali (A. H. Almaas) writes about these things in ways very close to my own experiences (although from far more experience and with more precision.)

I am led by the alive luminous blackness, and it takes me to my execution.

It is very vivid. I follow the alive blackness, and am led to a very physical place where I am to be executed by hanging. There is a real sense of fear and terror faced with death.

See next post for more about this.

As I mentioned in the previous post, there has been a sequence of unfoldings of the fertile darkness and the alive presence, in how they appear to me.

First, I dropped into the fertile darkness, a belly awakening, a deep smooth fertile blackness, a feeling of all as Spirit, allowing the emotional level to reorganize.

Then, the alive luminosity, infinitely alive, intelligent, loving, receptive and responsive.

Then, in my dream from yesterday, the luminous darkness, where the fertile darkness took on the qualities of aliveness, love, receptivity and intelligence of the alive luminosity.

And then last night, during the Christ meditation, the soft luminosity, where the alive luminosity took on the smooth deep soft embracing qualities of the fertile darkness.

As I also mentioned, it seems that this is the way the two are revealed to me as not two.

All of these have the same qualities of infinity, timelessness, presence, omnipresence, emptiness yet inseparable from form. It is as omnipresent as space, yet also independent of space and time. And as Almaas points out in his book Essence (which I skimmed through for the first time last night) there is a definite quality of substance to it. An alive presence with substance.

I realize that many of these terms, such as fertile darkness, luminous blackness, alive luminosity, crystal clear quality, and so on, can be seen as poetic inventions. In a way, they are, but they are also what seems closest to immediate experience.

There is an immediate experience of the fertile smooth rich darkness, the alive luminosity, the luminous blackness, the crystal clear quality, and more. These are the terms that are most close to how each of these appear, when arising in awareness.

They are metaphors, but the closest to experience that we, or at least I, can get. The words themselves come from the thinking mind, but the thinking mind is only of assistance in putting it into words, as close to experience as possible. It has a secondary and minor role. Experience is primary, putting it into words secondary.

Emptiness filtered through head and belly centers

For instance, emptiness, then filtered through the head center, or even thought about in abstract terms, could be called fertile. But it is a stretch. Its empty quality is in the foreground, and the empty quality of all forms are in the foreground. The experience is that forms are emptiness, that they are inseparable. To say that form comes out of emptiness, and emptiness in that way is fertile, is possible, but a stretch from the immediate experience. It is an intellectualization.

But emptiness, when filtered through the belly center, does have a sense of fertility about it. It is black smooth full rich and fertile, and a fertile ground of form. In our immediate experience, it appears as fertile, as brimming with potentiality.

So to call emptiness fertile is more of an intellectualization if filtered through the head center, and an immediate experience when filtered through the belly center.

The three centers of head, belly and heart, seem to be filters for experience in several different ways.

Organized in the context of separation

If there is a sense of I, and the many identities added to this sense, they form in the context of separation.

The view is dualistic.

The heart is partly open and partly closed.

The emotions are reactive.

And each center tends to operate somewhat independently of the others.

Organized in the context of all as Spirit

When the centers awaken, they reorganize to all as Spirit.

The view is informed by a nondual realization.

The heart is open independent of the form aspect of Spirit.

The emotions has a sense of fullness, quietness and nurturing.

Each of the centers tends to be aligned and coordinated with the others.

Aspects of Spirit when filtered through the three centers

When the centers awaken, they not only reorganize to all as Spirit, but also filter Spirit in different ways. The centers filter the aspects of Spirit, such as awakeness, emptiness, luminosity and form, as white light is filtered through a prism.

Through the head center, emptiness has a crystal clear quality, as fresh mountain air. And the emptiness aspect of awakeness, luminosity and form is most noticeable.

Through the belly center, emptiness has a quiet, dark, full quality, a fertile full ground of potential. And the infinitely alive, intelligent, loving and receptive quality of awakeness and luminosity is most noticeable.

The head center is more yang, masculine, transcendent, free, detached, emphasizing emptiness.

The belly center is more yin, feminine, immanent, embodied, engaged, emphasizing a dark fertile responsive fullness.

More about the heart center later, when that comes more into the foreground.

Initially separate, now revealed as aspects of the same

It is interesting how the endarkenment and the alive luminosity came up at different times (the endarkenment a few weeks ago, and the alive luminosity only a few days ago), and as initially separate and distinct.

Now, in the dream and in my awake consciousness, they are merged.

There is a sense of a luminous velvety blackness, where the blackness itself is luminous, as black light. And it has the alive intelligence, love and receptivity that I first noticed in the luminosity.

Luminous Night’s Journey

This also reminds me of Hameed Ali’s journal excerpts published under the title A Luminous Night’s Journey. When I read it this summer, I knew he was describing something in the title that was unfamiliar to me, and it seems that this is it. The alive luminous blackness, velvety, intelligent, loving, receptive.

Belly awakening, fertile darkness and alive luminosity

As described earlier, the fertile darkness seems connected with a belly awakening, and of feeling all as Spirit. It allows the emotions to reorganize within the context of all as Spirit, becoming less reactive, and giving a sense of deep quiet nurturing fullness.

The alive luminosity also seems connected with the belly awakening. Where the emptiness aspect of luminosity is revealed in a head centered awakening, the belly awakening seems to reveal the aliveness, intelligence, love and receptivity of the same luminosity. It has more of a sense of fullness to it, and infinitely alive.

Awake emptiness and form, filtered through head and belly awakenings

It seems that the awakening of each of the three centers, of head, belly and heart, each reveal different realms of the same, different facets of Spirit, of awake emptiness and form.

The awake emptiness and form is there, in each case, yet revealing different aspects of itself in each awakening, as light split through a prism.

In the head awakening, the emptiness takes on a crystal clear quality, as clear mountain air, and the luminosity is revealed with this empty crystal clear quality.

And in the belly awakening, the emptiness takes on a velvety smooth fertile black character, while the luminosity takes on an infinitely alive, intelligent, loving, receptive and responsive quality.

There is a starfield with strikingly deep velvety blackness and brilliant cool blue stars. The blackness is luminous and alive with infinite intelligence, love, receptivity and responsiveness. A voice says “this is the end of anything organized”.

The starfield has the fertile deep black qualities of the endarkenment, and also the aliveness, intelligence, love and receptivity of the alive luminosity. It combines both.

And there is a knowing that the presence of this alive luminous blackness means the end of anything organized, in the sense of pre-structured and planned, coming from the outside or from the mind. From now on, the luminous blackness is a guide for what unfolds.

In this shift into endarkenment, I am especially grateful for company along the way.

Among the few traveling companions I have found are Karen and Barry, leading our diksha group, and who have both gone through and are deepening into the endarkenment.

Adyashanti who briefly mentioned the three centers of awakening when he spoke in Ashland, and how his main shift started as a belly awakening.

And also Hameed Ali, who has written about all this in such a clear and detailed way in many of his books, under the pen name A. H. Almaas.

Especially as this seems to be a little outside of the well-worn paths of the traditions, at least what is spoken about openly and presented to a general audience, it is good to find fellow travelers. It gives courage to explore. To dive into it more fully.

In the shifts into endarkenment and then the alive luminosity, I notice what seems to be a natural cycling through 2nd, 3rd and 1st person relationships with it.

I initially explored the fertile darkness through a 2nd person relationship, as a You, then a 3rd person relationship, as an it, exploring and mapping it through images and words, then a 1st person relationship, as part of the field absent of I, then back to a 3rd person relationship, and so on. Naturally cycling through the three ways of exploring it. And the same seems to happen with the alive luminosity.

The second person relationship takes the form of seeing, feeling and loving it as You, and also prayer and intention. The first person relationship is not a relationship, but the field awake to itself - including the fertile darkness and alive luminosity - as absent of I. And the third person relationship is one of mental exploration, of mapping, writing, reading and talking about it.

Throughout the day, and especially when lying in bed before falling asleep or waking up, the practice of feeling all as Spirit and me comes up.

Whatever arises is felt as Spirit and as me. It is awake emptiness and form, and it is me or a mirror for me as a human self.

I especially do this with anything arising that is outside of my habitual identities, such as fear, people I am attracted to or feel aversion towards, fatigue, pain, even countries and the Earth as a whole.

I feel into it as Spirit and me, and along with this is the seeing of it as Spirit and me, which in turn awakens the loving of it as Spirit and me.

Reorganizing the three centers, and allowing anything human to be experienced as me

This helps reorganize the three centers of view, emotions and heart within the context of all as Spirit.

And it helps transform my identity as a human being to be more inclusive of anything human. To feel, see and love anything human as not only it, over there, but also me, right here.

Looking at composting a little closer, I see that all three centers are involved, much as I have written about earlier in a non-composting context (!)

Something arises, for instance a resistance, which can range from the seed resistance to the field absent of I, to all its many fruits. And it is seen, loved and felt.

It is seen in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

It is loved in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

And it is felt in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

One of the fruits of the seed resistance arises, for instance fear of loosing something. And it is seen, loved, and felt as fear, with its unique texture and flavor, and as Spirit.

There is detachment, from pure witnessing. There is love for it as is. And it is felt into, as is and as Spirit.

This allows it to be held as is, and also to transform in its own way.

It was formed within the context of a sense of separation, and transforms within the context of all as Spirit.

Or we can say that it is composted back into the soil, and its nutrients allows new plants and fruits to emerge in the context of all as Spirit.

What I experience as composting seems to have two inseparable aspects.

Aspects of composting

There is the feeling into whatever arises (usually some form of resistance, or the fruits of resistance) as is.

And there is the feeling into it as Spirit, as fullness and emptiness, as alive luminous awake emptiness and form, as fullness and awake space, or however it appears.

When both are present, it seems to allow whatever is felt into to unfold and transform. There is a healing component here, allowing reactive emotions to transform into a sense of quiet nurturing fullness.

Breema, composting and endarkenment

This is actually quite similar to what they talk about in Breema. Bring the attention to the body, and feelings will join, which I experience also there as a sense of quiet stable nurturing supportive fullness, centered in the belly region.

My sense is that Breema is quite a bit about the endarkenment, although they don’t talk about it that way. There is an emphasis on the hara region, the belly, and there is certainly a transforming of emotions into giving this sense of warm full quiet stable nurturing supporting fullness.

It seems that for me, Breema set the stage for the endarkenment shift, along with shadow work and other things I have done for a while, and the endarkenment diksha allowed me to fall into it, opening up for a whole new dimension of being.

Two phases of endarkenment

Again, there seems to be two phases or aspects of the endarkenment.

There is the energetic and attention components, which are centered in the Hara, the belly region. Tai Chi, Chi Gong, Zen, Breema and many other practices activates the Hara and gives a sense of energy activity there, of warmth and nurturing fullness. It seems that this is an early taste of some aspects of endarkenment. This energetic work, and the dipping into it, is a form of pre-endarkenment.

But the shift into endarkenment is quite different. It is a shift into a whole new dimension of being. It seems stable, deep, full, a whole new way of being and experiencing existence. It is a dropping into a full rich quiet darkness. And it unfolds and deepens from here on, which includes allowing the emotions to reorganize in even deeper ways.

The pre-endarkenment is like dipping the toes in the water. The shift into endarkenment is jumping into it. And the process of unfolding is to swim, dive down into and explore in many ways this whole new realm of being.

On the bus yesterday, crowded and with all sorts of people, the practice of feeling all as Spirit and as me came into the foreground.

Feeling it all as Spirit. All the many flavors of people, the bus and everything else, felt as Spirit, as one substance, as fullness and emptiness, as awake emptiness and form, as the intelligent, loving and alive luminosity.

And feeling it all as me. Feeling the flavors of people as me, as mirrors on my human level. Feeling into the fullness of humanity, out there and also in here, no matter how it shows up. Whatever is out there is also in here, in its felt fullness.

At the same time, there was a sense of giving it all to the fertile darkness, of everything composting itself within and as the fertile darkness. All the forms, all the flavors of humanity, all the many forms of human life.

Composting it all, through feeling into it and seeing it all as Spirit, as fullness and emptiness, as living awake luminous emptiness and form. The composting seems to happen when both are present. The feeling into the many flavors of form gives it fullness and presence. The feeling into it as Spirit allows it to unfold and transmute.

To put it into more everyday language: composting involves feeling into whatever arises, while allowing space for it to unfold and change. It is very simple. And it is similar to what happens naturally in mediations such as Shikantaza, although there is a slight engagement through the feeling into what arises.

It seems to bring about a healing, especially at an emotional level. From reactive emotions, the emotions gives a sense of quiet nurturing fullness. And it seems to bring about awakening, through feeling into it all as Spirit, as fullness and emptiness, alive awake luminous emptiness and form.

………………….

[initial entry]

On the bus yesterday, crowded and with all sorts of people, the practice of feeling all as Spirit and as me came into the foreground.

Feeling it all as Spirit, all the many flavors of people, the bus and everything else. Felt as Spirit, as one substance, as fullness and emptiness, awake emptiness and form.

And feeling it all as me, at my human level, as mirrors for me. Feeling into the fullness of humanity, out there and in here, no matter how it shows up. Whatever is out there, is also in here, in its felt fullness.

At the same time, there was a sense of giving it all to the fertile darkness, of everything composting itself within and as the fertile darkness. All the forms, all the flavors of humanity, all the many forms of human life.

Again, this is something that goes beyond what is easily conveyed by words. It is easy enough to talk about working with projections on a more mental and felt level. But the composting part is different. I still don’t know how to describe that in a way that would allow others to find it for themselves. Maybe it will come with time.

There is a sense of feeling into it, while also seeing it as Spirit, as awake emptiness and form. There is a holding of both, which allows what is felt and seen to transform.

From Sunday evening, after the diksha group and the additional activation of the three soul centers. I have experienced light below me quite strongly recently, since the endarkenment, initially as blobs of light (as in some of the previous drawings), and now as a very large field of light below me. I notice how the blobs above seem to merge and become larger.

Also from Sunday evening, with a little more color. It was made just before the other one, so it does not as accurately mirror what is going on as that one (but worth including because of the color).

From December 6, with the blobs of light above and below, more or less symmetrically. The drawing also has a clear differentiation between above and below, as there has been since the endarkenment shift.

The lines below reflect the sense of dark, fertile fullness of the endarkenment, centered in the belly. And the rays above, centered in the heart area, reflect the luminosity of the enlightenment, centered in the head. (Both are in a process of unfolding. There is still a slight sense of I, and there is no sense that there is an end to the endarkenment process.)

A drawing from November 30, similar to the December 6 one. Here too, the blobs of light above and below, and the differentiation above and below. I think this is the most beautiful one, although it represents only one (brief) phase and the light below is now far more expansive and luminous.

I am a woman, and one of the actresses in a theater. There are thousands of people in the audience, the play has started, and I am told I am to play the lead female character. I say that I have not seen the script yet, nor the play itself, so I won’t know my lines. My understudy takes on the role this time, and I get the script, watch the play, and will play it from then on.

The endarkenment has all to do with the deep feminine. Yin. Darkness. Earth. Embodiment. Feeling all as Spirit. Reorganizing emotions. And I have had several dreams of this dark feminine, including being in the womb of an immense black goddess.

This time, I am invited to act from and as this deep dark feminine. The audience is seated. The play has started. I am to play the lead female character. But I am unprepared. I have not seen the play, I have not seen the script, nobody told me I would play this character. Luckily, my understudy could take on the role this first time, I can watch it and learn about the role and character, and then play it from then on.

This parallels my experience in waking life. The endarkenment opened up a whole new dimension of being, whole new realms. And it takes some time to compost everything within and as this darkness. To allow emotions to reorganize to everything as felt Spirit. To learn how to live from this. It is a whole new way of being, equally significant as a shift from male to female identity.

Following my years of (head) awakening, there were some years of a dark night. There was a reversal from deeply realizing all as Spirit, and luminosity, clarity, insights, effortless practice, and incredible energy and activity in the world, to the opposite of a complete absence of Spirit, being just a separate human being steeped in confusion, hopelessness and fatigue, unable to engage in any form of practice.

During these years, it definitely felt like a fall from grace. I was blessed with a spontaneous and quite clear awakening, and then fell down into identification with this human self and all its confusion and weaknesses.

Now, I can still see it as a fall from grace, but even more, it seems as a fall into grace. It is true that it did take me off track in terms of my plans of continuing my Zen studies and eventually becoming a teacher, and also getting a degree which would allow me to practice and do research in the mind-body field. In that sense, and in many other ways, it was a fall from grace. But in another sense, it was a fall into grace. It allowed some edges to soften. It allowed me to experience from the inside the suffering that so many experience, at least at times in their life. It allowed me, possibly, to drop into the endarkenment.

And it allowed me to learn about surrender. And loss.

Surrendering even that which seems, in every way, so good. A surrendering that allows space for something else to emerge, something not part of my plans, something that was not being “on track” as I saw it, something completely different.

It is certainly a fall from grace. And it is equally a fall into grace.

Resistance comes in many forms…

The seed resistance is the field resisting itself as a field. There is the field of awake emptiness and form, inherently absent of I, yet resisting noticing itself as this field absent of I. So then, there is the sense of I and Other.

And from this seed resistance, a whole flowering tree of resistance emerges.

There is resistance to what is, to what is not, to what may be, to what was. There is fear, aversion, attraction, anger, resentment, a sense of identity, wanting something else, and much more. All the fruits of a sense of separation.

And in the endarkenment, it can all be composted within and as the fertile full darkness. Resistance arises, and composts itself in and as fertile loamy darkness.

They become nutrients for different plants and flowers. Plants and flowers coming from a felt sense of all as Spirit.

I had a process work session with Gary today, and I noticed how there was a sense of deep center and excitement.

The belly awakening, the endarkenment, gives a sense of a deep, rich, dark, silent earthiness and fullness everywhere, yet also centered in the belly.

And it allows whatever else to happen, including the more flighty and light excitement that comes when exploring some of these things in words and ideas, especially when talking with someone who shares the excitement about it.

In the past, there has always been the swing of a pendulum between excitement and “going up” and a sense “going down”. I went up, then down, as if to compensate for it, and the other way around.

This time, after the endarkenment and the dropping into alive luminosity, both are there simultaneously. Easily. Effortlessly.

There is the deep dark rich infinite ground. A womb holding it all. Deeply silent.

And there is the flights into excitement and ideas and conversation within this deep darkness and silence. The silent darkness is there as a context for it, and also there before and after.

A wonderful experience: finding that larger whole of light and dark, of head and belly, of ground of form and form, of yin and yang, feminine and masculine.

During the enlightenment, seeing all as Spirit, as awake emptiness and form, there was of course the seeing of forms as empty, of the ups and downs as empty luminosity. And there was a silence in the midst of it all. But this is different. This has a different depth and richness to it. It is a different dimension of being.

Since the endarkenment shift, and even more so since the dropping into alive luminosity this Sunday, the process of composting resistance has been doing itself in me.

Resistance comes up, and it composts itself within the fertile full darkness.

Resistance to what is, what is not, what may be, what was… In whatever form it comes up, as tension, fear, irritability, it gets composted. It crumbles in the dark soil. Becoming nutrients for something to flower.

The fertile blackness is infinite and everywhere, a ground of form, but it is also centered very much in the belly. There is a sense of fullness, richness, earthiness, allowing whatever arises to be composted within itself, as darkness. Becoming soil, nurturance.

As I described in a previous post, there has been yet another shift, this time into alive luminosity.

It happened during and after the diksha Sunday, and the codes for the three soul centers (visualizing and sounding Hebrew letters at the head, heart and belly, as well as above the head, much as they do it in Tibetan Buddhist practices with the form and sound of certain Tibetan letters.)

Right away, there was a sense of the alive luminosity, everywhere, infinite, and infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive, responsive and personal. It deepened somewhat during the evening, and when I went to bed, it came out more fully, very strongly present everywhere. There was an immense sense of bliss, and of gratitude.

I saw how this alive luminosity is here always and already, and can be communicated with. The words of Jesus, ask and you will be given, suddenly had a new meaning for me. I saw that this must be what I talked about, this immensely alive, loving, intelligent and receptive light, waiting for an invitation from us, a clear intention and a surrender, to transform us at any and all levels of our being.

The head awakening seems to open for seeing all as Spirit, as empty luminosity, as awake emptiness and form. And for me, this empty luminosity has always had a sense of intelligence, love and responsiveness to it, but it has been in the background.

The belly awakening seems to allow for a whole new dimension of this light to reveal itself. As immensely alive, loving, intelligent and responsive. Its emptiness is in the background and its aliveness in the foreground.

So it seems that two aspects of the one luminosity. When filtered through enlightenment, centered in the head, its empty aspect is in the foreground and its aliveness, love and intelligence in the background. When filtered through endarkenment, centered in the belly, its alive, loving, intelligent and responsive aspect is in the foreground, and its emptiness aspect in the background.

In both cases, it is infinite, and it is an aspect of the awake emptiness and form of everything.

I knew that there had to be something like this, even in the midst of the initial awakening, but had never dropped into it like this before. Whole new dimensions of being are opening up, and there is a deepening into it.

This is all written in a second person perspective, as I and Thou, because that is how it appears to me now. But it is of course all aspects of the One I, of Spirit absent of I anywhere and arising as all these forms of itself, exploring itself also through a sense of I and Thou.

This came up for me:

During the end of the enlightenment phase, and the beginning of the dark night, we got a cat who was very open hearted. I called him Parzifal after the innocent young man who found the holy grail. Male. Seeking enlightenment. Transcendence.

A couple of years ago, at the end of the dark night and the beginning of the endarkenment phase (although I didn’t know that at the time), we got another cat. She is pitch black and very furry, and I named her Luna. The moon. Feminine. The fertile darkness.

Some of the things happening recently, especially the endarkenment, has brought me to revise my intention for this blog. It has always been mostly about my own process, and now more than ever it will be, it seems, at least for a while.

In the past, there has been some shoulds of wanting to include more integral contexts, linking to entries in other blogs, writing in a more coherent and clear way, writing in ways that may benefit others more - as that looks in my own ideas about it.

Now, I see that I have to abandon all of that. This is a journal of one little phase of one person/soul’s process, with all the quirks and uniqueness and universality of that. However it comes out is OK. I write for myself, as a record of what is happening. If it somehow benefits someone else, that is fine, if not, that is fine too.

Others do the integral blogging very well, far beyond what I can do (at least right now). Others do the linking to good entries very well, again far beyond what I can do right now.

I’ll just follow my own process, wherever it takes me, however quirky this blog becomes.

From an email I sent to Barry and Karen following the diksha Sunday:

Lots of things happened for me during and after the diksha and codes for the three centers.

Alive luminosity

The main one happened the same evening, after I went to bed: An alive, infinitely intelligent and loving, receptive, responsive light everywhere, including streaming in, through and around the body. It is an infinitely alive luminosity I can communicate with, and I offered my intention to it for having many issues resolve in my life (reactiveness, relationships, clinging to identities, health issues.)

From my initial awakening, and since then, I have been familiar with empty luminosity, and everything as awake emptiness and form, in an impersonal form. Its intelligence and love was there but more in the background.

This time, there are the same elements, but as immensely alive. Its aliveness, responsiveness, intelligence and love is in the foreground, to be touched. It is infinite, yet also immensely personal.

I also notice a double thing happening since Sunday: asking the light for it to be resolved, and also giving it to the fertile darkness for composting. Something comes up (a contraction, identity, fear, resistance), and I ask the alive light for it to resolve, and give it to the darkness for composting.

I wonder if the impersonal empty luminosity, and the impersonal awake emptiness and form, has to do with the head awakening (enlightenment), while the personal infinitely alive luminosity has to do with the belly awakening (endarkenment).

It is almost as if they are two aspects of the same empty light, one revealed through enlightenment and revealing mostly its empty and impersonal nature (and the awake empty nature of all form), where this one is revealed through endarkenment and reveals its intimate, personal, alive, receptive, responsive, intelligent and loving nature.

In any case, it is yet another whole new dimension opening up for me.

After having been in the enlightenment for several years, I remember feeling a little “bored” by it, there was not much surprise there, and I felt that there had to be something more to it. Something was missing, and it had to do with embodiment and aliveness. The endarkenment, and the alive light, have these qualities. And it seems that it will only keep unfolding, revealing itself (to itself) in always new ways.

There was also a synchronicity (one of many): I read the first chapter of Facets of Unity by A. H. Almaas on Saturday, and was intrigued by the titles of another chapter: Living Daylight. After the experience of the alive luminosity, I skimmed through this chapter, and his description of living daylight is a very close match to how I experience the alive luminosity, including its personal, loving, wise, receptive and responsive aspects. He even mentions the three soul centers (head, heart and belly), and describes them in very much the same way I as experience them, and as you describe them as well. A nice support for me.

Some other things:

Sunday night, as the alive luminosity cursed through me, there was so much bliss that at some point some fear came up, and the bliss reduced in intensity - although has remained very much alive since then. I slept for twelve hours in the two following nights, and could have slept much longer (lots of processing and reorganizing needed).

I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a previous email, but here is how I experience the three centers for now (using some of your terminology):

Three centers

:: Head

Enlightenment. Awake emptiness and form. Seeing all as Spirit. Reorganizing view (nondual context). Yang. Male, masculine. Light. Heaven. Transcendent. Impersonal

:: Belly

Endarkenment. Feeling all as spirit. Reorganizing body/emotions (Less reactive. Sense of fullness, nurturing, being held. Composting anything arising, any resistance, anything coming from a sense of separation, anything at a body/feeling level not coming from all as felt Spirit.) Yin. Female. Feminine. Dark. Earth. Immanent. Personal.

:: Heart

Enlovenment. Loving all as spirit. Reorganizing the heart (open to all form). Embracing, allowing, holding Yang and Yin. Male and female. Masculine and feminine. Impersonal and personal. Heaven and Earth.

I am on a ferry crossing a large river in the mountains of Norway. The captain is the father of a Dutch friend of mine (Alexa) from the Zen center.

Michael J. Fox is there, and is a good friend of mine. He is very likable, friendly, just an ordinary down-to-earth guy. I ask him if he has always been that way, especially considering how well known and successful he is.

He laughs and says, no. Especially in the eighties, when he was very popular, he was more arrogant. Time has allowed his edges to be more rounded. Although he doesn’t say it in words, I also understand that his illness has allowed him to soften and become more ordinary.

I think the same has happened to me as to Michael Fox in the dream. I used to be far more arrogant, even as I saw it and tried to not express it. Now, there is more of a sense of roundedness, of just ordinariness. It is possible for unusual and even extraordinary things to happen, and still just be an ordinary friendly guy.

And difficult things in life, such as an illness or a dark night, invites this rounding and ordinariness to happen. They are not only a fall from grace, but also a fall into grace.

This dream happened in the morning following the dropping into alive luminosity. There is a sense of deepening into the ordinariness, through the endarkenment and alive luminosity.

A woman brings her dog to the veterinarian. Within a few minutes, it has become as intelligent as a human. It turns out that all animals, everywhere, are becoming as intelligent as humans, in a very short span of time, and in a very mature and healthy way.

This dream happened the same night as the dropping into alive luminosity. Since the endarkenment, there is a sense of emotions being reorganized within the context of everything as felt Spirit. And the alive luminosity seemed to allow this in an even deeper and more detailed way.

Animals, especially mammals, represent body and emotions, and the dream seems to tell me that these now become intelligent in a way they were not before, in a mature, balanced and healthy way.

This reflects my waking experience with the alive luminosity and endarkenment. It is almost as if the alive luminosity serves as a catalyst for the endarkenment, giving it an additional boost, specificity and aliveness.