A rambling post that gets a little clearer in the summary… 

It is the perennial question for any kid and curious adult: What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of my life?

It may be a little different for each of us, but most of us experience meaning around the same things. Survival. Relationships. Providing for ourselves and our family. Offspring. A sense of connection with others, ourselves, life, the universe. A sense of belonging. Making use of our potentials and opportunities. Being of service to those within our circle of us. Being remembered by others. Exploring the evolving fullness of who we are. Exploring what we really are.

In short, it all tends to revolve around two things: Taking care and enhancing the life of this human self and its circle of us. And finding a sense of connection with ourselves and the larger whole.

It is of course important to explore this for ourselves. Where do I experience a sense of meaning? How can I align my life a little closer with it? How can I bring it into my life a little more?

But the question we don’t so often ask ourselves is, what is meaning? How does this sense of meaning come about? What are the dynamics and mechanics behind it? What is the anatomy of meaning?

(more…)

Another important dimension of practice is who and what we are. Do we practice to help who we are, this human self? Or do we practice to notice what we are?

Again, if we are stuck in one or the other, the drawbacks of each tends to come to the foreground.

If we only focus on who we are, this human self, we can work on it until we die and never find complete satisfaction. There will always be a sense of something missing. We never get to see what we really are, and we know, somewhere, that we are missing out of that.

If we only focus on what we are, discovering ourselves as Big Mind, we can too easily ignore who we are. The wounds of our human self may stay around and wreak havoc with its life in the world, and even with the project of discovering what we are. We may also end up discouraged, feeling we are wasting our time on something that is not working for us.

Yet, tempered by each other, we can see each in a more realistic perspective.

We find that exploring who we are offers a new sense of wholeness to our human self, a wider embrace of all of what it is, and a richer life in the world. At the same time, we know it won’t give us any ultimate answers or satisfaction.

Exploring what we are becomes something we do for its own sake, not for any imagined benefit in our human life. When I look, what do I find? Am I content of experience, specifically this human self? Am I that which this content happens within, to and as?

And in terms of tools, it may be helpful to emphasize those that work on both areas. The ones that makes it easier to be this human self in the world, and also invites what we are to notice itself.

Some tools work about equally at both areas, including The Work, the Big Mind process, and allowing/being with experience.

Others work mainly at the what question, although helps who we are as well, such as headless experiments and exploring sense fields.

Stability practice makes it easier to do any of the other practices, and also any activity in daily life.

And some practices at the who level not only helps who we are directly, but often also makes it easier to do any of the other practices, such as psychological and relationship work, and physical exercise.

It can be helpful to be clear about what Ground awakening does and doesn’t do, and what practice does and doesn’t do.

To put it bluntly, all Ground awakening does is change who or what we take ourselves to be. We find ourselves as awakeness, the content of experience as awakeness, and already absent of any I with an Other.

And practice does two things: It invites what we are to notice itself. (Ground awakening.) And it helps this human self heal, mature and develop.

What Ground awakening doesn’t necessarily do is change how this human self shows up in the world. Although it may happen to some extent.

Our human self do tend to reorganize within this new context of Ground awake to itself, but it is almost side effect, it takes time, and may need guidance by intention and specific practices to be more thorough.

And what practice doesn’t do is to control anything. Practice invites change for this human self, and it may invite what we are to notice itself, but that is about it. Whatever shows up within form are guests living their own lives, on their own schedule. And what we are noticing itself is also a guest, living its own life, on its own schedule.

So when we see people functioning within a context of Ground awakening, and they seem relatively healthy and mature, what we see is probably a combination of practice and awakening. The practice - including ordinary psychology and relationship work - has invited the human self to heal and mature, and the awakening may have encouraged that further.

In a practical sense, it doesn’t really matter. Whether we are looking for a more healthy and mature human self, or to notice what we really are, practice is a way to invite it in.

The trigger for this post: Noticing how Joel sometimes talks and writes in a way that may give the impression that Ground awakening does more than it does. And how students at CSS sometimes talk as if a Ground awakening is responsible for what practice is actually responsible for.

One of the things that impacts me the most is the suffering of animals at the hands of humans. Like the cow I saw a picture of the other day, neglected, standing up to her belly in shit, looking back towards the photographer with big innocent eyes. Quiet, wordless, suffering. Not understanding what is happening to her. Complete innocence.

I see myself in those animals, and children and humans suffering in a similar way. I see all of us.

At times, we are all in that situation.

Vulnerable animals, without a clue about what is going on. That is what it all boils down to.

In our daily lives, we are - to a certain extent - in control and do understand. But if we look a little closer, we find that behind that thin surface is complete vulnerability and lack of knowing.

When we find this for ourselves, there is a great deal of liberation. We don’t need to hold onto stories anymore as an ultimate truth or answer. We don’t need to deny our complete vulnerability.

Instead, there can be a more receptive mind and heart. A mind receptive to the limited truth in any story. And a heart receptive to ourselves and others.

(If we have worked with our hara, our belly, we also find our hara more receptive, in this case to a felt trust in existence and life.)

As with other forms of investigation, it is a process of seeing and feeling what is more true for us. It invites in an embrace of (more of) the fullness of who we are, as human beings. And releasing struggle - in this case against seeing that we don’t know, and the vulnerability of our human self - makes it easier for us to notice what we are.

(more…)

Joel wrote his biography up to his awakening, because there was nobody there to write about following the awakening. But is that quite true?

It is true, in the sense that there is no separate I there anymore following the awakening. No I with an Other, placed on this human self or any other content of awareness. It is just this field of awakeness and its content, which is awakeness itself, inherently absent of an I with an Other, absent of center and periphery. Yet still, somehow, functionally connected to a particular human self. (In his case, Joel. In my case, this human self. In your case, your human self.)

Yet it is also false, in that this human self still lives its life in the world, as before. And the story of this human self can indeed be told, and may offer valuable insights and pointers for others, maybe even inviting what we are to wake up to itself.

Of course, saying that there is nobody there to write about is a teaching tool, throwing a wrench into our habit of taking ourselves to be content of awareness and inviting us to look a little closer.

But it is also a partial truth, a quite one-sided way of talking about it, and I can’t help thinking that it may be more helpful to include both of these sides.

Yes, there is no separate I here to write about. But the story of this human self can still be told, and it can have some value (or not) to do so.

I only worked with koans for a short time, and was pretty slow, but here are just a few things I noticed about them in general.

To put it roughly, koans work from the absolute and the relative sides, with Big Mind and our human self, and how Big Mind/Heart can be expressed through our human self.

Each koan has a different emphasis and focus, similar to a prism filtering light so we can explore the different aspects of it more closely. And each koan has a specific and unique resolution, which becomes obvious when it is seen, and something to work with in terms of bringing it into daily life.

Koans invite what we are to notice itself. After a while, thoughts tend to exhaust themselves, inviting in a release of identification from thoughts. And the resolution to the koan can often only be found from the Big Mind/Heart side, from shifting into and finding ourselves as Big Mind/Heart.

They invite in specific insights into what and who we are, through emphasizing specific aspects of Big Mind/Heart and how it can be expressed through our human self.

And they invite us to explore, through our daily life and in specific ways, how what we are can be expressed through who we are. (When I worked with koans, my daily life was often infused with the koan, there was no separation between working on it on the cushion or through daily life. And as it clarified, there was a curiosity about how to express it, live it, in daily life.)

This is one of the many things about Zen I appreciate. It is very much focused on what we are noticing itself. But it is no less focused on how it is lived through this human life, in a healthy, mature, thorough and skillful way.

I thought this was cute. Why not look good for Jesus?

Seems that it would be part of any comprehensive and integral approach

And it is always interesting to explore where I find the genuine truth in this, for myself. Where do I find the genuine truth in looking good for Jesus?

For me, it has to do with inviting guests.

Any content of awareness is a guest, so if we take a visit by Jesus to happen within content of awareness, we can invite it in.

We can do certain (second person) practices, find receptivity of the three centers, and more. We can invite Jesus in as alive presence in its many forms such just alive presence, or its aspect of luminosity, or infinite love, or wisdom, or the fiery heart quality I find when I do Christian practices, or for others, maybe as a vision or a voice, or something else. Or just the good old taste of an open heart at our human level.

And if we take Jesus, or Christ, or the combination, to be a noticing of what we are (that which experiences happens within, to and as), then that is also something that can be invited in. We can prepare the situation, as best as we can. And that guest may come as well, or not.

So by inviting in Jesus as any or all of these guests, we want to look our best. We want to look good for Jesus, inviting him in for a visit.

Of course, Jesus, as anything else, lives his own life, on his own schedule. And that is also part of the game.

When we take a story as true, we become a tool of the story. We live out our life in its service. We are the way it comes alive in the world. The story becomes God, Master.

And when we see a story as just a story, when identification is released out of it, the story becomes a tool for us. It is a tool of practical value only, for helping our human self orient and function in the world. A tool as any other tool, of temporary value in some situations. A tool we are free to use or not, for practical reasons only.

I am reminded of all the stories in books, movies, fairy tales, mythology and even science, where someone is taken over by an entity of some sort. Possessed. Taken over by a demon, ghost, alien, virus, or anything else. These stories mirror closely what happens when we take a story as true. We are taken over by it. Possessed by it. Live our life in its service.

(more…)

Another look at karma, and how it is and isn’t, and is personal and universal, belonging to the part and the whole.

As with any maps, models and stories, the story of karma is a practical tool only, a tool that helps our human self to orient and navigate in the world. A tool that can be more or less useful depending on what we want to use it for. There is no value or truth in it beyond that.

And we can say that karma is and isn’t.

It is, because there is, obviously, cause and effect in the conventional sense.

It isn’t, because there is only what is here now, the five sense fields and what appears in each one. Anything else comes from the inside of a story. Past, future, time, continuity, space, extent, causality, all that is only found on the inside of a story.

It is individual, because we can find, in a conventional sense, causality within the boundaries of this human self. We see how thoughts and decisions are followed by actions in the world, and so on. It is also individual as a practical ethical tool, inviting and helping the human self to live in a more ethical way and follow the golden rule more easily.

It is universal and of the whole, because everything has infinite causes and effects, reaching back to the beginning of the universe and out to its furthest reaches. What we see locally, including what appears as local causes and effects, are just the local effects of movements within the whole.

So karma, cause and effect, exists in a conventional and practical sense. If we look a little closer, we cannot find it in our immediate experience. It can only be found on the inside of a story.

It is individual, again in a practical and conventional sense. And it belongs to the whole of the world of form, in that everything happening locally has infinite causes and effects, and is a manifestation of the movements of the whole.

And we can find all of this here and now, in our own immediate experience. How is it true for me, here and now? What do I find when I look for myself?

Sorry for this slightly dizzying stream…

It is not important for awakeness whether it notices itself or not. That too happens as content of awakeness, and is no other than awakeness itself.

Getting caught up in the content of awakeness, being identified with it, or noticing all of it as awakeness itself, it is all happening within, to and as awakeness.

But it is, sometimes, important for who we take ourselves to be. When there is identification with content of awakeness, it can, in some situations, seem important. There is a feeling, a thought, of wanting awakeness to notice itself, or at least a curiosity about it, and this too happens within, to and as awakeness.

It is awakeness as confusion, desire, discomfort, blind to itself, noticing itself, releasing identification out of its own content, recognizing its own content as itself. It is all awakeness, and is never anything else than awakeness.

So what is the big deal? There isn’t really.

Only the draw for awakeness to notice itself, sometimes, when it is temporarily identified with its own content.

And the compassion that naturally arises when it is noticing itself, and also sees itself suffer over there, through identification with other living beings.

When awakeness is awake to itself and functions through this human self, and sees itself over there identified with its own content, with another living being, and experiencing discomfort because of it, there is naturally compassion and actions out of kindness and whatever wisdom is available.

There is naturally actions to help alleviate the suffering, in whatever ways the other asks for and is receptive to. In conventional and temporary ways, and sometimes also in helping awakeness notice itself also over there, through the other human self.

The mystery of existence, and not…

What we are is not really a mystery. It is something we can notice for ourselves, here and now. We are this awakeness that everything happens within, to and as. Independent of the particulars of its content, which is no other than awakeness itself.

And some of the conventional things in the world is not that much of a mystery. We understand it well enough for practical purposes. We wake up, eat, go about our days, and generally function pretty well with our conventional understanding of life.

But everything else is pretty much a mystery.

Why is it that anything exists at all, including awakeness? Why is there something rather than nothing? Is there anything more astounding and amazing?

And within the world of form, everything is really a mystery. Our experience and understanding is always limited. There is always more to explore, new perspectives to apply, new maps to help organize the world and parts of the world. There is no end to what we can discover and explore within the world of form. Always new landscapes opening up. Always new aspects of landscapes we thought we were relatively familiar with.

This is the case whether we work on our human self or on discovering what we are: it is a process of pulling the rug out from under ourselves.

It is a process of going outside the familiar. Allowing what appeared as true for us to go. Be willing to be wrong. Allowing familiar identities to go. Exploring the truth in the reversals of our habitual beliefs and identifications.

We pull the rug out from under ourselves, find what is already more true for us, stay with that for a while, getting more familiar with it, and then repeat.

At our human level, we discover and embrace disowned sides, embracing more the fullness of the evolving wholeness of who we are.

As what we are, we notice ourselves through inviting beliefs and identifications with stories and identities to fall way, revealing ourselves as what we always and already are.

This is another one of the common landscape features we can come upon when we explore who or what we are, or even if we don’t: compassion independent of a feeling.

As long as we quite strongly take ourselves to be a separate individual, compassion is relatively closely connected with a certain heart feeling. We feel our heart open up, and we act on that open heart. But then something happens, our heart closes down, and we don’t act that way anymore. Or we may still act in a similar way, but now from a should, a belief which usually comes from our culture, religion or even spiritual tradition.

There is nothing wrong in any of this. It is where we are, the particular landscape we are exploring here and now. And it is beautiful with the sweet heart feeling, and the actions that come from it. And even acting on those shoulds has its place as well. As long as we strongly take ourselves to be a separate individuals, shoulds sometimes keep ourselves and others out of trouble. There is a reason why cultures instill them in us the way they do.

But then this changes in a few different ways.

First, through expanding our circle of care, compassion and concern, our circle of us. When we see someone as us, we need less of the heart feeling to act compassionately. (That feeling is there more readily too, for that matter.) As long as situations are not too extreme, and even then sometimes, we will act with respect, concern and care towards these beings.

Whether they are fellow humans, animals, plants, the Earth, and maybe in the future - who knows - fellow beings of this galaxy, as long as our circle of care expands to include them, we will act relatively compassionately towards them because they too belong to us.

Then, more thoroughly, there is another shift when we discover ourselves as Ground, as awakeness, and as this field of awakeness and form, inherently absent of an I with an Other. We may even just glimpse or intuit it, and that is often enough for a change to begin to take place.

Here we realize that all beings and all form is the one I without an Other, and as we deepen into seeing, feeling, and loving this, it seeps into how this human self lives its life. It naturally acts compassionately towards others, with whatever skillful means it has at its disposal, just as naturally as the left and helps the right when it is needed.

At this point, it all happens independent of a feeling. If that sweet heart feeling is there, good. If not, that is fine too. Acting with care and compassion is freed from the feeling.

Another way of saying this is that when this human self operates within the context of Big Mind noticing itself, Big Heart naturally comes in. And Big Heart is sometimes associated with that heart feeling and sometimes not, but its activities in and through our life is not dependent on it.

The final release is also what allows any and all experiences and any and all ways the world of form happens. The only way this can happen is to see, feel and love as all God. And the only way that can happen is to release identification with the idea/sense/feeling/experience of an I with an Other.

It is only then that there is a final release, and an allowing of all since it is all God itself. It is God allowing itself as it happens to show up here and now.

And it is really just God noticing what it already is… This awakeness inherently free from any content and characteristics, so allowing it all. This awakeness here and now, allowing this field of content which is this room, the music, this body, these sensations, sights, sounds, smells, tastes, thoughts.

In the process up to this noticing, there are often layers or release and allowing, going in the familiar way from personal development (embracing more of all of who this human self is) through mysticism (a sense of all as God shines through everything, including the remaining sense of I with an Other) to a release of the final sense of I with an Other.

Identification with stories creates these layers, veiling who and what we are. And as one is released, there is an invitation and opportunity to explore what is revealed right there, in a unique way. Our center of gravity is in one particular place, and the world is revealed as it only can be revealed right there.

It is God manifesting, experiencing and exploring itself in a unique way, here and now.

So even as there are more veils, there is also a perfection right here and now. It is God exploring itself in a unique way, as it only can when these particular veils are here. It doesn’t get much more beautiful than that.

And yet, as long as there are veils, there will always be a sense of dissatisfaction, of something being slightly off. Because it is. Something is off. There is an identification with a story, and this veils who and what we really are.

There is a dissatisfaction inherent in an identification with a story, a sense of I with an Other, and this dissatisfaction comes out in two ways.

When there is an I with an Other, there is a sense of precariousness. There is identification within form which is flux, so what is born will die, and what is an object within the world is at the mercy of the larger whole. It is always at odds with the world, even when things temporarily is going its way, so there is always a sense of dissatisfaction.

At the same time, there is a knowing of what we already are, and in the tension between what we are and who we take ourselves to be there is also a sense of of dissatisfaction, of something being off.

And within this sense of something being off is a great beauty. It is God exploring itself in a unique way, as it only can when these particular sets of veils are here. While there is a sense of something being off, and something may be off according to our stories, there is really a great beauty and perfection in it all.

A perfection and beauty that can only be fully appreciated when what we are notices itself.

A few things about choice…

As human beings, we have a range of options available to us. We move along the different spirals of development (cognitive, moral, value memes, etc.), we notice patterns and dynamics of behavior, we can see directly how thought/sense gestalts are created, we can get to know and embrace disowned aspects of ourselves, and so on.

There is a disidentification with one thing, and identification with a new more inclusive pattern. And in each of these cases, the landscape of options available to us is a little larger, so there is a sense of a little more freedom.

At the same time, for all of this there are infinite causes. There is no freedom in that sense. Whatever happens - any sense of choice, decisions being made, any thoughts, actions, reactiveness - it all has infinite causes, stretching back to the beginning of time and out to the extent of the universe.

There is doing but no doer. This human self make decisions, but there is no “I” there. Actions follow thoughts, there is evaluation of options, there are decisions, but no evaluator or decider.

Finding ourselves as Big Mind, we are already and always free from all of this. We are this field of awakeness and its content which goes beyond and includes anything in the world of form. The human self and its wider world is all awakeness, inherently absent of an I with an Other. There is only doing and no doer. There is of course still relative freedom and choice for our human self, and it will still work on finding more of it (or not), but the substance has gone out of it.

So there is a range of options for our human self, which widens as it heals, matures and develops. There is no freedom of choice since every decision has infinite causes. And we are already free from it, as awakeness and what happens within, to and as it.

(more…)

There is an inherent alignment between what our human self really wants, and awakeness noticing itself.

When I explore what I really want, I find that no matter what it looks like on the surface, it has to do with a sense of connection, intimacy, fullness, richness, exploration, discovery, release, freedom. And that is exactly what noticing ourselves as what we already are opens up for. We see that it was never not here, and also allows it into our human life in more of its fullness.

Of course, not all parts of us know that. Any belief, any attachment to a story, leads in a different direction.

And that too is what we really want, both as our human self, and as awakeness. Awakeness already allows all of this. It brings it out of itself. It happens within, to and as awakeness itself.

What we really want as this human self is to stay within the exiting, interesting, fascinating, beautiful, boring, commonplace, ugly world of drama. And what we really want as this human self, is for what we are to awaken, so there is a sense of intimacy, richness and release far beyond what this human self has known before.

And what we want as awakeness is exactly what is, drawn from ourselves, happening within, to and as awakeness.

Some of the ways everything is happening to, for or as me…

If I see myself as an object in the world, and a victim, then things are happening to me.

If I see myself as an object in the world, and what is happening as a guide, a way to learn and mature, then it happens for me.

If I find myself as awakeness - this field of awakeness and form, then everything is happening within, to and as me. And here too, for me at my human level, as a guide, a way to learn and mature.

Whatever happens is a guide for me to find myself in my wholeness as a human being, to develop and mature as a human being, and to notice myself as what I already am, as awakeness.

It can be a guide in many ways.

I can use stress and reactiveness to find a belief, and then inquire into that belief.

I can use it as a starting point for a journey, for instance as they do in Process Work.

Or any of the many other approaches available.

In any case, it helps me find to find what appeared as Other as myself, at my human level, and as awakeness.

And since what happens is always fresh, in a conventional way and since the future and past only happens within a thought, there is always more to explore at human and awakeness levels.

There are many ways to invite in a form of buffering at energetic or soul levels, being held energetically or within the alive presence in ways that helps us get less caught up in reactiveness.

We can fill up the hara through Breema and other practices. We can receive different forms of energy transmissions, such as the bands of power munai-ki rite, that serves as a buffer, filter and protection. (I am noticing the effects of that one right now, which is what prompted this post.) We can invite in the soul level, the alive presence, through prayer and other practices. And more.

The benefits are pretty obvious. Our lives at a human level typically becomes far easier. Fewer things bug us. There is a sense of not being touched by what we previously got caught up in. It makes it much easier to be who we take ourselves to be if we are identified with stories, and it makes it easier for this human self even if we are not. We get a sense of how it is to live released from being in the grips of stories and identifications. We see that something else is possible.

Our human self may also reorganize and stabilize within this new context, releasing identification more and more over time. It may even lead into what we are noticing itself, finding itself as awakeness, and this field of awakeness and form inherently and always free from an I and an Other.

But there are also some possible drawbacks. We can get complacent, happy with being protected by the buffer, not taking up the invitation to explore more in depth the hooks and rings of identification and beliefs in stories. And that is exactly why any buffer is only temporary. It is within the realm of form, it is content of awareness, and as any form and any content, it will change. When it fills, it only does so to empty. And when it empties, it does so only so it can in turn fill.

It is cyclical, as anything else, and throughout it all is the invitation for us to investigate the hooks and rings more closely. An invitation for what we are to notice itself.

Any buffer is a buffer or protection for who we are, for this human self. And the invitation for what we are to awaken to itself is there independent of buffers or not.

A quick overview of some forms of identification and disidentification:

• A polarized identification and disidentification with the field of form. Certain areas, such as this human self, is seen as a separate I, and the rest of the world, and awareness itself, is seen as Other. Identification is firmly within form itself, within content of awareness, and there is a sense of split within this field of form. This is the identification and disidentification that creates the whole (wonderful & terrible) drama of human life, when it is all taken as a drama of I and Other. It is also a mistaken identity.
• Awakeness can awaken to itself, and to this field of awakeness and form as itself. Here, there is an identification with anything arising as awakeness itself, and a disidentification with anything arising as just temporary manifestations of awakeness itself. The center of gravity is within, and as, awakeness, and although anything arising is recognized as itself, it is also recognized as only surface ripples. If this is all, it is awake yet nonfunctional.
• Within this awakening, there can still be a conventional identification with this human self. It is recognized as a vehicle for awakeness awake to itself, so it is “identified” with for only temporary and practical purposes, to allow it to function and orient in the world. This is similar to the first form of identification, only now it is free from any sense of separate I.
• And then there is the identification and disidentification of parts of this human self. Some are actively owned and part of its daily repertoire, and some are disowned and not. And this human self can actively shift into the disowned parts, becoming more familiar with them, and bringing them into its daily repertoire, allowing for fluidity among a wider terrain of who it already is. This is the one that allows our human self to heal, mature and develop into the fuller richness of what it is and can be.

More in depth…

(more…)

I was reminded yesterday of the value of having a seasoned teacher, trained in a solid tradition.

And I was grateful to find some good counter-examples to interrupt any tendency of wanting to make it into a rule…! Byron Katie woke up, and is a brilliant teacher, without ever having had one of her own. And the same can be said of Douglas Harding.

But in general, it can be very helpful to work with a seasoned teacher within a respected tradition. It can be a great help in avoiding some of the typical pitfalls on the path, either at the awakening or the human side.

At the awakening side, it is easy to think that whatever awakening is here is somehow “final” or “complete”, while it isn’t. It seems to amazing, so clear, so profound, and we may not yet have had any glimpses of what is beyond, so we take it as done.

In terms of awakening to what we are, as long as there is any trace - however minute - of any sense of I and Other, inside and outside, center and periphery, subject and object, then we are not done. There is still further to go. Still filters to fall away.

If it seems in any way extraordinary, it is not done. If there is any sense of a doer, it is not done. Any sense of accomplishment. Any sense of it happening “to” someone.

If any of those are there, it is still far from a Ground awakening. A Ground awakening is just existence awakening to itself, already and always free from any of that.

At our human side, there is a lot of healing, maturing and development to be done, before and after an awakening to what we are. And this is exactly why many traditions, including Zen which I am most familiar with, wants the student to stay with the teacher, often for many years, following a clear awakening.

It takes time for this human self to reorganize within this new context, to mature into it, to live it more richly, fully, fluidly. To become a more full human being. To live from it as an ordinary human being.

If there is any trace of arrogance, of this human self being “special” in any way, it is still not quite there. There is still work to be done.

And if the human side is an any way dismissed, ignored or put down, there is still work to be done. There is still stuckness as what we are.

(more…)

There is a large number of reasons for practice and seeking awakening, and for each of us, which ones are in the foreground change over time, including over the very short and the longer time scales.

The typical ones are probably to escape the suffering of knots and exclusive identification with this human self, and the one on other side of the coin, which is to find a sense of coming home and quiet bliss.

And there are many other ones, such as getting another badge (sense of achievement, impressing someone, status), living up to shoulds (being a good person, doing what the traditions and teachers tells us to do), fears (escape from suffering, now and in the future), hopes (finding release, finding home), and also curiosity (what is really true, how is it all put together, who am I really), and finally, to be more fully who and what we (already) are.

At any stage in our process, it is probably helpful to explore what our current motivations are, and be honest with ourselves about it. Whatever they are is OK. Being familiar with what is here now is an important part of the process, so noticing our motivations is just a part of that.

For me, I find each of these motivations surfacing at different times, and probably many I can’t think of right now.

Sometimes, I practice to escape something. There is suffering or stress, and I know it comes from holding onto fixed views (beliefs) and resistance to experience, so I may do inquiry or be with what I am experiencing in a more heartfelt way.

More often, it is curiosity. What is really here? Who or what am I really? What is going on, how is this body-mind put together, how does it function, how does it relate to the wider world?

And if I am honest, it is even more about becoming more fully human. I have often felt like an outsider, so spiritual practice helps me allow and embrace my humanity more fully and more wholeheartedly, with all its quirks and oddities.

Practice for me is about inviting knots to untie themselves (belief-emotion-behavior conglomerates), examining beliefs to see what is already more true for me, allowing exclusive identifications to fall away, and being with experience as it is, even if it would never change.

And each of these allows me to more fully be who I am, as this human being, allowing it all, as it is. It helps me to own disowned parts. It is a way to become more familiar with more of the terrain of being a human being, alive today.

And these practices also invites what I really am to notice itself more clearly, it prepares the ground for Big Mind to notice itself, on its own time.

Embracing and discovering who I am, as this human being, and what I am, as the unmanifest inseparable from the manifest, are two sides of the same coin. Each allows for the other, and each allows a deepening into the other.

A good topic over at Thoughts Chase Thoughts: Buddhism is not about becoming a good person, but becoming a human being.

And really, it is about both. It is about deepening into our humanity, as it is, and as it reveals itself and matures when not resisted. And it is about living from ethical guidelines, from the empathy that naturally emerges from embracing the fullness of our own humanity, and from the inherent goodness revealed behind narrow beliefs and identities.

By deepening in our embrace of the fullness of who we are, as human beings, there is a release of resistance to any of it and also a release of beliefs and identities. This opens for a recognition of our shared humanity, and of ourselves and others, which in turn tends to lead to a natural empathy which spills over into our lives. And this release of beliefs and identities also invites us to notice what we are.

Exploring what we are, untouched by stories, there is a fuller allowing and a wider embrace of who we are, as human beings. And there is also an uncovering of the inherent compassion and wisdom in what we are, this awake void and form, noticing itself, even while operating through this one particular human self.

And by following ethical guidelines throughout this process, we are more likely to stay out of trouble and be less of a nuisance to others in a conventional way, and it also helps us deepen into who and what we are. Ethical guidelines helps us notice what is happening, what comes up in us and how we relate to it. They serve as a pointer for recognizing our shared humanity and ourselves in others. And they mimic how we naturally live our lives within the context of Big Mind/Big Heart awake to itself.

(more…)

Meanings of ego…

• Organization of the human self, the software allowing it to operate and function in the world. (Software, because it is malleable, although encompasses both body and psyche.)This one stays around before and after Ground awakening, and can continue to heal, mature and develop through experience and practice. Before awakening, this healing, maturing and development makes it easier to be who we take ourselves to be, and after Ground awakening, it makes for better skillful means in expressing and living Ground awakening through this human self, relieving suffering for others in terms of who they take themselves to be, and also invite Ground to awaken to itself through others.
• A sense of separate self, and the field of awake void and form filtered through this sense, creating an appearance of I and Other, center and periphery, outside and inside. This one is created through taking an imagined separate self as real, and can appear very convincing. We can see these stories as only thoughts through various forms of inquiry.
• A fueling of an identity specifying how this separate self is different from the wider world. This one deepens the sense of split between I and the wider world. I become better and worse than others, and stories are fueled about how this is so. We can reduce this sense of split through working with projections, finding in this human self the qualities we see in the wider world, and the other way around. The wider world becomes a mirror for this human self, and we find that anything here is universally human, although also with a certain flavor (and this flavor of uniqueness is also universally human).

For a while, probably due to doing The Work and receiving diksha, a lot of knots came up on their own, so I could see the beliefs and inquire into them, and experience the emotions and be with them in an heartfelt way.

Now, it seems that there are bits and pieces left, scattered around, and I find that it is more helpful to actively go after them. To put myself in situations where beliefs are triggered, and go through my memories and imagination to trigger emotions I can be with, as they are, in a wholehearted and heartfelt way, as if they would never change.

For finding emotions to be with, I find that going through my memories in reverse chronological order is helpful, and also to bring up the memories in the most vivid and detailed way, and then let the memory go and just be with the emotions.

Whenever attention goes somewhere else, I know that what may appear as distraction is really just attention going into another knot, as is the nature of attention to do. It leads me directly to another knot of a belief, a story that is taken as true, and an emotion that has not been fully allowed and experienced in an heartfelt way.

After a while, I also find it helpful to bring attention to whatever sensations are here now, the ones that there is even the slightest hint of resistance to, and be with those as well in a heartfelt way.

And then even do the same with some of the image thoughts here now, such as the ones of a sense of center in space, a separate self, and so on. I find that this tends to release identification with them, bringing me into headlessness, which is just another hint of how beliefs are really just resistance… resistance to what is already more true for me in immediate awareness. (And, we can say, resistance to seeing the truth in its reversals, to seeing it and its reversals as only relative truths, and resistance to fully allowing and being with whatever emotions it triggers.)

After that, I sometimes go into the most scary scenarios I can imagine for myself, the ones that are the most terrifying. And then, notice the beliefs there for possible later inquiry, let go of the images, and be with the emotions triggered in a wholehearted and heartfelt way.

These emotions are just like vulnerable animals, or scared children. All they want is to be seen, felt and loved as they are, as if they would never change.

And this helps what we take ourselves to be. It helps this human self in its daily life. It helps it heal, find itself as more whole.

And it also helps what we really are to notice itself more easily. When there are lots of knots - of stories taken as true and emotions escaped from - attention tends to get absorbed into them. We are caught up in them and the drama created from them. And this makes it less easy for this awakeness to notice itself as awakeness, and all of its content - including all of these knots and all of the drama - as awakeness itself.

When uncomfortable memories, scenarios, sensations and emotions come up, they are like our poor cousins knocking at our door, wanting to be acknowledged, accepted and allowed. They want to be seen, felt, and loved for what they are, as they are.

And we can do this at each of the three centers (head, belly, heart) and at our two levels (who and what we are, human self and Ground).

At the head center, we allow whatever arises to “come home” by examining our views holding them at bay, and finding the truth in the turnarounds of these views. At the belly center, we do the same by allowing attention to be with whatever arises, in a quietly heartfelt way. And through this, the heart center seems to open naturally to what arises.

In this way, we allow whatever arises to come home at the level of our human self. By not resisting we (a) see that what arises belongs to this human self, and (b) that even if it was triggered by something seen in the outer world, the trigger mirrors something right here. We learn to own our own reactions, and also to own the qualities we see out there, in the wider world, as also in here.

And we allow whatever arises to come home also at the Ground level, recognizing it as awareness itself, as awakeness and form together, inherently absent of an I with an other. It is all life or Existence or the Universe or God or Big Mind manifesting in its form aspect. What appeared as split into an I and Other, is now revealed as already and always free from that split (even when the split appears to be there).

There is a seeing, feeling and loving of whatever arises as me, as this human self, owning the reactions and responses coming up here, and also seeing everything in the wider world as mirrored here. And there is a seeing, feeling and loving of all as life itself, as Existence manifesting, as God, as Big Mind, before and beyond, free from and independent of an overlay of I and Other.

The first one, the owning of it at our human level, allows for a more finely tuned, mature and effective human self in the world. Before Ground awakens to itself, this makes it easier to be who I take myself to be. And after Ground awakens to itself, it allows for an easier way of expressing Ground awake to itself, and also invite Ground to wake up in others. After all, the characteristics and maturity of this human self is what all skillful means boils down to.

(more…)

Whenever there is a clash between our stories about what is and what should be, or life and our beliefs, or circumstances and identity, what happens can be interpreted in two main ways.

First, from headlessness (Big Mind, awake void awake to itself), we are what arises, yet there is an identification with a story and an identity which does not fit what we find ourselves as. Of course, as soon as there is this identification, we don’t realize that we inevitable are what arises, but filter it through a sense of I here with a particular belief and identity, and Other out there which clashes with I in here. What arises is split into an inside and outside, and the two appears to not get along very well.

It is a comical situation, especially when we see this directly.

We have no choice but to become and be what arises, because that is what we are. We are this awareness and its contents, this wide open space full of the world as it arises here and now. Yet when this is split into a sense of I and Other, we are sometimes shocked by it and struggle with it, resist it in every way we are able, because it does not fit with who we take ourselves to be.

The other way to look at this, is through a more conventional view, taking who we take ourselves to be - a separate self, an object in the world, a small region of content of awareness - as real and substantial.

Here, we can also say that life shows up in a particular way that does not fit with our beliefs and identities, or rather the stories and identities we are identified with. But now, life reminds us of something in our human self that does not fit these beliefs and identities.

Our beliefs and identities has shadows, which is the truth in the reversals of the beliefs and ourselves as also what is outside of our conscious identities. And life reminds us of these shadows, which brings up discomfort, and a filtering of anything in our shadows as only out there and not (also) in here, in our human self.

Either way, a sense of resistance to what is is an invitation to find in ourselves what we see out there.

When there is resistance, or rather, identification with resistance, a taking of it as I, it is a reminder to find ourselves as headless and Big Mind. And it is also an invitation to find in our human self what we see out there.

The first invites Ground to notice itself.  The second allows this human self to become a little more part of humanity, to find our shared humanity right here in ourselves, and see that we are all in the same boat.

Both opens for some wisdom and a more open heart.

There is a seeing all as phenomena arising, inherently free from an I and Other, which in turn opens for natural love and compassion. And a finding in this human self any quality and characteristic I see out there, in others and the wider world, which opens for seeing myself in others and, again, a natural empathy and compassion.

A rambling post…

At our human level, there is the conventional forms of engagement and identification. We are engaged in the world, to various degrees and in various ways, and we are also identified with our human self, identities, and beings and things in the wider world.

(more…)

When we deepen into who and what we are - notice more of the wholeness of who we are as individual human and soul, notice what we are as Ground (awake void), and work with this in our human life - it is also a process of letting go of identifications and beliefs. This takes many forms. We let go of…

• Being right. Or rather, seeing a particular story as inherently and absolutely true, and discounting the truths in its reversals. This helps us deepen into more of who we are as humans (detached from beliefs and identities, we can embrace more of who we already are), and also reveals Ground to itself more easily (not clouded over by beliefs, the field of awake void and form can more easily notice and recognize itself).
• Taking ourselves as content of awareness. This one is more obviously related to noticing ourselves as what we are, as awake void and all form as this awake void, without center anywhere and without any I with an Other. It also relates to deepening into who we are, since a release from taking ourselves as content of awareness - including as this human self - allows this human self to develop and mature without the drama, struggle and resistance that comes from being identified with.
• Drama. As there is a reduced attachment to stories, in number and degree, there is less identification with and production of drama. There is less sense of an I here as stories and the object of some of these stories (including this human self), so less of an I with an Other, so less friction with what is, so less drama.
• A center. With a reduction of identification with stories and some of their objects, there is a reduction in a sense of an I with an Other, so also a reduction in a sense of a center. There is a field of awake void (awareness) and form (whatever arises within, to and as awareness), and it is revealed as being inherently absent of a center anywhere. Again, this allows this field to notice itself more easily, without the obscuration of a sense of a separate self as a center of the field, and it allows this human self to mature and deepen into who it is, without the drama of identification and a sense of I here and Other over there.
• An I with an Other. When there is identification with stories, and content of awareness in general, there is automatically a sense of an I with an Other. I am this region of what arises, and the wider world is the rest of what arises. If I notice awake void (awareness), that too may be seen as Other, as something that comes and goes. As we deepen into who we are, we notice the wider world more and more as a mirror of this human self. What we see out there (qualities, characteristics) is something we can find in here, and the other way around. As we deepen into this process, there is less sense of being separate and different from others and the wider world, and more of a sense of no separation and being in the same boat as all humans and then all beings. There may still be a sense of a separate self, but one that is of the same piece as all of humanity, all of life, and all of Existence. And as we deepen into what we are, we find ourselves as awake void (awareness), and this void is void… including of identifications with any form. As we now notice all form as this awake void (anything arising as awareness), this field of awake void and form is now revealed as inherently absent of any I with an Other. This means that we now notice all form as arising and happening on its own, on its own schedule. And this goes for this human self as well. There is doing there, as before, but no doer. This human self and all its activities is just happening on its own, as anything else.
• Being better or worse. This is similar to the previous one. As we mature as who we are, and see in ourselves what we see in the wider world, there is less and less sense of being better or worse than others, or as what we were, could have been or may be. We are all in the same boat. Whatever arises here is universally human, with a particular flavor, and that is the same as whatever arises in anyone. Of course, we can still use conventional measures and see that someone is better or worse than others in math and other areas, but these have only a limited and practical value. As humans, anything in us is universally human and we are in the same boat. And, again, as we notice ourselves as what we are, as awake void, then anything arising is this field of awake void or form. Better or worse does not apply, except in a very limited and practical way in our human lives.
• A familiar terrain. We let go of identifying with a particular overlay of stories and identities, and the terrain these tended to keep us inside of (as an I here with an Other out there). In our human life, we go beyond what is defined by any fixed identity and beliefs. As awake void and form, we are inherently free from any stories and identities. In both cases, what is, is allowed to manifest and unfold more freely, without the drama and resistance that comes from identification with stories and identities. (Although here, we see that resistance is not really resistance. Resistance is truly futile, because all it does is kick up dust.)
• Closed centers. Deepening into who and what we are, is also an opening of the three centers, and a letting go of the ways they function when closed. At the head center, it is a letting go of fixed and rigid views, and an inability to see the truth in their turnarounds. At the heart center, it is a letting go of the ambivalence of the heart being open in some situations and closed in others. At the belly center, a letting go of emotional reactivity, both in terms of identification with it, and also (possibly) as a pattern in general as it is being replaced with a steady nurturing fullness.

It is always fun to play around with quadrants, partly because four field is just enough to make some interesting differentiations and also few enough to grasp right away.

Three that comes up for me is (a) inner/outer, one/many (as Ken Wilber has popularized through is aqal model), (b) self/other, human/spirit (practice), and (c) beyond/embrace, noticing/working with (path).

When I explore the last one, I see that…

I can go beyond and include polarities in two ways: by noticing and also by working with it.

In general, I notice that life is already beyond and includes any and all polarities. And I work with it in my own human life, exploring how it arises and is expressed in this life.

And I can filter it further through each quadrant…

I go beyond and notice by noticing that life is already and always beyond any and all polarities. First, the world of form is a fluid seamless whole beyond any pole and polarity. (When I find myself as Witness, as pure seeing, this is alive in immediate awareness. Whatever arises, here and now, is revealed as aspects of one fluid seamless whole.) Also, when I find myself as awake void I also go beyond polarities, and when I notice the world of form as nothing other than this awake void, I similarly find the world of form beyond polarities.

I go beyond and work with it by finding in my human self whatever I see out there in others and the world. I allow my identity at my human level to embrace both ends of any polarity. I familiarize myself with it, and include it in my active repertoire. All this is a process with no end point and takes work. This includes letting go of beliefs and identities, and allowing a fluidity of views and a more inclusive human identity. This human self deepens and matures into its own unique and universal humanity.

I include and notice by noticing that this fluid seamless whole of form already and always includes any and all poles and polarities. And also by noticing that the play of awake void as form likewise always and already includes any and all poles and polarities.

I include and work with by familiarizing myself with each pole and polarity in this human self, and how they arise and are expressed in this human life, and how they can be expressed. As before, this is an ongoing process, and involves a maturing and development of this human self.

As usual, there is a mutuality among all of these. Working with one makes it easier to work with the three others.

By noticing that which is already and always beyond and embracing any polarity, I can more easily work with it in my own human life

And by working with it in my own life, I can more easily notice that which - in its form and void aspects - already and always are beyond and includes any polarity.

The noticing part has to do with Ground awakening, with Enlightenment.

And the working part has to do with the maturing and development of this individual human and soul, which makes it easier to be who we take ourselves to be before Ground awakening, and is an intimate part of skillful means following a Ground awakening.

(more…)

There are many facets of the deepening into who (individual humans) and what (awake emptiness) we are, and one of these is generosity.

A deepening into who and what we are involves receptivity at the three centers, and the other side of the coin of receptivity is generosity…

• At the head center, receptivity takes the form of sincerity, an interest in the truths of each of the different reversals of any statement, and also a noticing of the inherent neutrality of any situation. And the generosity here is in not staying with any fixed view or perspective, but sincerely exploring the truth in whatever views and perspectives come up in others. The views of others are very often some variation of the reversals of the stories that more often come up in ourselves. There is a generosity in sincerely acknowledging the truth in the views of others, and including that in our own view, allowing ourselves to be more fluid among the different reversals of any story.
• At the heart center, receptivity takes the form of recognition and empathy, and this too is a form of generosity. There is a generosity in finding ourselves in others, and others in ourselves, and allowing empathy come up from that recognition. And there is also a generosity in seeing all as Spirit, as God’s will, as the fluid form aspect of God itself.
• At the belly center, receptivity takes the form of a deep felt-sense trust in life and existence. And here too there is generosity, in its sense of deeply nurturing fullness and abundance (and in the absence of the core fear, reactivity, and a separate self to protect).

In terms of activity in the world, this receptivity and generosity is expressed in the ways mentioned above, and also in terms of generosity of time and energy. As there is less and less of a sense of a separate self, fever and fever stuck views, fever situations and people the heart is closed towards, and less emotional reactivity, there is naturally a life lived for life itself… in whatever ways that come up in the situation.

Our circle of care, concern and compassion widens, the boundary between the health and well-being of the larger (social/ecological) whole and ourselves (as this individual) dissolves. Our actions becomes, naturally, more and more self-less (without a reference to fixed views and identifications), as we realize more and more that there is no separate self here.

In the absence of identifications, life is expressed in our own life as love for itself - as love for life.